40 weeks...to life

recipe: creamy potato soup

2012-03-09T09:00:00.000-08:00

my mum has been here most days (and nights) since i went into labor. to say she's helped us out is an unforgiving understatement. after years of living on my own, i'm cashing in my "i need you now" card. i was reluctant at first, but now, i'm allowing myself to enjoy the dependence. she reminds me that it's temporary and to enjoy this time. "i don't want you to miss out on his being this age. it goes by so quickly. you know he's going to be a whole different baby in a couple of months, right?"

yes, i can imagine. his features have changed so much already in these first couple of months.

if your return home from the hospital is/was anything like my own, there will be guests fluttering in and out of your home, a phone ringing with care and concern, many offers of aid, and lots of dishes heaving with comfort eats dropped off.

food. my absolute favorite topic of discussion. as a new mother, the enjoyment is not the focus. most meals are consumed cold and after everyone else has dined. i rush to eat between kai's feedings. as i'm nursing, our mums and dear friends have made sure that i'm eating. it's usually the first question they ask.

having a dish or two in the fridge that only require a reheat is a load off my mind. i don't have the time (sadly) to cook while growing acclimated to this new life. our mums have been great about keeping the grub flowing and as such, with the fridge packed to the max, a few items have lingered in the fridge too long.

after a toss of a few outdated specimens, my mum scoured the shelves and drawers for those goods to salvage into a recipe or two. one of the dishes was a potato soup. while i worked in my office upstairs, the aromas drifted my way and i looked forward to noshing on whatever it was that she had gathered in the simmering pot. a few turns of the hand of time later, she ascended the stairs to offer me "a taste" of what she'd been simmering. moments and three greedy spoonfuls later, i descended the stairs for a proper bowlful.

this soup is weighty. it will quench hunger for a few hours. a topping of bacon adds a greasy twang to the thick body. i thought she blended the soup, but alas, the heavy body was all in the patience of the potato breakdown and a heavy hand of cream. a few chunks of potato did hold out for the tooth hold. splendid. thanks, mum.

recipe / mum's creamy potato soup

1/2-pound raw bacon, chopped into 1/4-inch pieces

1 yellow onion, chopped finely

2 dried bay leaves

2 tablespoons unsalted butter

6-7 medium russet potatoes, peeled and cubed

1 teaspoon dried dill

salt and pepper to taste

6 cups chicken broth

1 cup heavy cream

in a stockpot, over a medium heat, saute bacon until crisp and curled. remove bacon from the pot and set aside to drain of grease and cool on a paper towel-dressed plate. allow pot to cool and carefully discard bacon grease all but two-to-three tablespoons.

return the pot to the stove top over a medium-low heat. add onions and bay leaves in the remaining bacon grease and saute until the onions are translucent and edged brown for toasty flavor. add butter and stir to melt amongst the onion bits.

plunk in the potatoes and season with dill, salt, and black pepper. saute potatoes for about 15 minutes, mindfully stirring to avoid sticking to the pot. pour the stock over the potatoes until they are immersed in the liquid. simmer over low heat until potatoes are fork-tender. stir in the cream just before serving.

capturing kai ~ month two

2012-03-03T05:55:00.005-08:00

new mum diaries: mother's milk, or lack thereof

2012-02-28T13:30:00.003-08:00

kai is two months old. i telecommuted to work yesterday for the first time since before the holidays. the anxiety about returning to my desk and responsibilities welled up for days; morphed from nervous energy to anger to depression. sunday night, i held kai for hours. nuzzled his fluffy hair. breathed in his scent. we'd never get the moments of the past two months back; our true beginning together, where all i must focus on is him -- discovering his way, keeping him well and growing -- i suppose i was mourning that time passing, seemingly too quickly.

it seems many months ago that they first placed him on my chest to warm himself from our combined heat. yet, at the same time, he seems so young still. i think premature babies hold on to their infant body tuck and curl longer. they shudder their arms against false falls still. they find comfort only upon the chest where they may sleep to the sounds of our breathing and hearts. cling to their lost womb-time, perhaps. whatever the reason, my return to the daily grind, away from my all-encompassing focus upon him seemed premature itself; especially since we haven't nailed down the feeding issues.

breast feeding. i was not warned about the potential for difficulty. when planning for my mumhood, i had two goals: endure a drug-free natural birth (check); breast feed for a year (check in pencil). being in labor for 36 hours and pushing for three was a trial of determination, will, and focused meditation. all of that does not hurt as much as being told that you may not produce enough milk to keep your newborn fed and growing. that you are too old.

immediately after his birth, kai latched on without much time or show. he seemed so small in comparison to my gigantic chest. surely i'd flood him tummy with colostrum. his latch that day was much more tender and timid than it is now, and we were praised by the lactation consultant for our effortless nursing. she visited late one evening after teaching the breastfeeding class (that i'd signed up for before going into early labor). she reiterated her praise and told me to be proud -- that immediate latching doesn't happen often. i felt good about our bond and teamwork.

when my milk came in, it was obvious -- i couldn't fasten the nursing bra i'd purchased only a week or so before. nils was both awed and intimidated by the bosom. kai relished the food while at the same time losing his womb-weight. as we dealt with the ongoing saga of the never ending crying from his jaundice light treatment, we found solace in each session of breast feeding. those were the only moments that felt as a new baby's arrival should. they were not without a few heel blood draws and vital checks though, so it also acted as distraction for him.

when we finally brought him home, relief, excitement, and an overwhelming sense of responsibility sunk in. he was solely ours. those helpful nurses with all of the answers were behind us. the cafeteria meals would no longer be delivered. and, thankfully, his jaundice was under control.

my mum stayed with us. she did everything to aid in the transition. cleaned. cooked. organized. held him while i slept. carried him to me when he needed a feeding. amused my need to set up photo sessions to document his changes and helped tailor the props and positions. after years of living our lives and meeting up every so often, here we were, back together everyday and bonding on a whole new level of understanding.

she tagged along for the first few doctor appointments. everything checked out well. he was growing. his jaundice was fading. his belly button was healed. he could even pull himself up! breast feeding was as i'd imagined in that it was relaxing, rewarding, and time spent growing to know the sounds, motions and smells of our lil one. there were things happening i hadn't imagined: blisters and soreness that had me wincing at the coming of his birdlike bobbing mouth. and, his latch, his mighty latch. gone was the tender suckle. this kid got on and sucked with all of his might and the repercussions still have not subsided.

all seemed to be going well. then there was the appointment where his weight check revealed a loss of two ounces. the doctor had not been happy about his growth rate of late and a loss encouraged a new feeding plan that introduced a formula supplement and pumping and shorter breast time.

suddenly, the doctor was telling me that the cows that are valuable are those that produce lots of milk; they are bred by the farmers. so, if i were a cow, i'd be slaughtered? or, that wet nurses were the women kept around because they produced an abundance of milk. i adore this pediatrician, but as the scenarios were cascading from his words, the sweetness of my nursing bond crumbled away. i just wanted him to stop talking.

my worry continued as i watched the clock during feedings, waiting with dread to unlatch him (did not make him happy) and place him on the other side then hand him off to someone for formula so i could pump. repeat every two hours.

when he gained back the weight and many ounces more, the doctor's eyes were kind when he said it was both a good and bad outcome. kai was healthy and could maintain weight. i was not able to provide the sole sustenance though.

i felt shattered despite those who tried to convince me otherwise. keeping to my plan mattered not. kai needed extra. i understood that. i just felt a failure.

nursing was a new stress. as with anything that i've failed at, i began obsessing about how to turn it around. i read articles and my nursing book for info about increasing milk. i met with my midwife and the pediatrician's lactation consultant. they offered different courses of action, both with the same outcome -- increase supply to omit the supplement. my midwife listened to my concerns and woes and consoled me. the lactation consultant said i could just be too old. i went home with a heavy mind and confusion about what pieces of their plans to follow.

i started taking fenugreek, an herb that's supposed to increase supply. i also sipped mother's milk tea. crammed spoonfuls of oatmeal and brown rice into my daily meals while also sipping a hoppy beer at night -- all said to increase supply.

since, i've had very good days where pumping reveals many ounces of milk. then, there are days when i haven't slept and the result is less but still triple of what i was producing when the issue first came about. either way, we've started supplementing blends of milk and formula after feedings and he seems satisfied. i worried about his growing lazy on the breast while anticipating the coming bottle. he doesn't do so. he is a booby drinker and savors every minute.

i'm still amid the trial. early this morning he fussed when we tried lying down to feed. i wondered aloud about whether or not he was getting anything from me. then, when i sat up, tucked us into a cradle hold, he contentedly sucked and the fussiness faded. while the night cleared from the sky and strokes of day rose from the seascape, i mellowed.

i began consoling myself. decided that whatever amount i produce for kai is what i may. i need to stop listening to the chatter and opinions and annoying advice and questions. i need to keep him fed well by any means and know that it's no longer about my plan or wants. it's about his need and health.

now i still log the feedings in an app (yes, there's an app). i do not watch the clock (as much). i do not pump after every feeding -- too sore. i enjoy any nursing session we have since that's what i want it to return to being about for me. slowing down. focusing on him. feeding him what i may.

i do hold hope that i'll start producing enough to omit the supplementation, but if i don't, i need to let go of the sense of failure. it's getting easier to do.

kai's birthday horoscope

2012-02-15T15:20:00.000-08:00

january 3, 2012

capricorn

"your ingenuity comes out in nearly everything you do. you might not even notice it, as it is probably well integrated into whatever you do. let the kid in you emerge. sometimes more levity is healthy. tonight: make the most of the night."

(via the standard times newspaper ~ thank you, connie, for saving this page for us!)

capturing kai ~ month one

2012-02-15T14:14:00.000-08:00

letter to baby - thirty-five weeks (part 2)

2012-01-22T14:00:00.000-08:00

dear kai owen,

each of us has our birth story. usually the tale shared by our parents and/or relatives and memorized by us despite our not having our own recollection of the event that began our lives. my own also began premature. like your own. (mum, if your reading this post, please recall what you remember of my birth in the comments section as it really is your story to tell and i love the emotion you always sprinkle between the words).

although i've been meaning to write sooner. my hands and arms are otherwise occupied by your growing self these days. happily so. i have been keeping notes in mind, but it hasn't been easy to sit at the computer with both hands free(!) and focus enough to recall details with a sleep-deprived mind.

what i want you to know, from the beginning, is that i strove to have you naturally without any drugs to ease the pain. i didn't know if i'd be able to do so having no idea about the level of pain having you would entail. when my contractions began, i was at home. they were mild. grew stronger as the hours passed. after our first trip to the hospital for the non-stress test, we returned home to try and sleep. i couldn't. i was both excited then pained. i attempted to hum through the pain in private in our bedroom. as it grew stronger, i craved the support of both your dad and my mum who had traveled in the early morning hours to be in the next bedroom. soon i was crouched on hands and knees in the living room, rocking back and forth, humming a deep sound of comfort (something i started instinctively but had not planned on doing). my mum encouraged us to go to the hospital earlier than planned. i'm so glad she did as when we were "checked in" i had many questions to answer for forms and if i had been in the heat of later contractions, i'm not sure i could have been patient enough to complete the q&a.

without sharing the dirty details, i'll say that from when my water broke to your arrival was 36 hours. i pushed for about three hours. my midwife was amazing. your dad and my mum aided my labor and delivery both emotionally and tangibly. i'm forever grateful to them for their patience and support.

the pain was of the sort i could never have imagined and cannot compare to anything i may imagine or anything i've experienced. i attribute my focus and "trance" or meditation to my years of yoga practice which has taught me to work through pain by looking inward for support. the humming was natural. the grunting when pushing was animalistic. i kept my eyes closed for most of the time. your dad placed a single ice cube in my mouth with each contraction and somehow the melting and crunch helped. when i reached down to feel your crowning head, i conjured up a flush of new energy and determination to move you along the final stretch. i wanted my baby in my arms asap.

i felt an enormous relief when you came out. your dad told me that you are a boy as i had asked him to do. when they placed your quivering blue body on my chest i worried about "that cry" that needs to be heard. you made small sounds but it took a bit of coaxing from the staff to warm you up to that full body cry. when i looked down at you, i could not stop gazing at your eyes.

there. you. are.

that's what you look like. i was right that you are a boy! and, i soothed you as you mimicked the grunting noise i had been making while pushing you out. my mum said she'd never believe that part of the story if she hadn't witnessed it herself. you had been helping, lil man, and i cooed those sounds and face of concentration away with kisses. your eyes were wide and puffy like my own. your lips so bright red and beautifully full. long slender legs. dark wavy hair.

i could not stop studying you. and you stared back a wobbly gaze. i'm still staring.

the days that followed were spent treating your bout of jaundice with light. you were not pleased. too many interruptions for vital sign checks and bilirubin tests plucked from your heels. not the way i had imagined spending your first days of life, but as a preemie you needed extra attention. that they let you stay in the room with us helped immensely.

when we could finally take you home, i almost cried with delight. i filmed the ride home. teary-eyed. i couldn't believe that you are our son. we are parents.

with every sound you make, i grow to know you more. we every expression, i am more infatuated. i get butterflies when i hear you wake. it's still wonderfully unreal to me that you are our son. as your eyes begin to focus more clearly, i try to level at your line of sight to see what your staring at. and once i looked down toward you in my arm and you were staring up at me and i felt such a burst of love for you. when i spy your fleeting smiles, wow, i dream about the days when they are coaxed by emotion. and, you are quite a nursing lil man. you've already grown past your birth weight and i've logged the nursing hours to prove it. and, your favorite place to rest is on my chest, near my heart, and that's just fine by me.

here we are. we named you kai, which means ocean. i selected the name about a week before you arrived. thank goodness my nesting kicked in early, otherwise i'm not sure we would have a name for you in time. i like the sound of kai and the meaning, my lil salty pup. owen is your great grandfather's name and your dad's middle name. i felt it a nice tradition to "hand down" the middle name, just as my own has been handed down to me from my mum.

also, your dad has such a calming effect on you and that explains why when you were in my womb, you would calm from kicking every time he talked to "the belly" -- he always thought that you weren't responding to him. you already were showing signs of your personality then. you are a particular lil guy. you already are training us for your preferences.

i'm enamored with you. more and more with each day that blurs by. sure, i'm sleep-deprived and can't figure out how to fit in a daily shower just yet, but existing in this state of new love, big love, is making it all so worth it.

i love you, my little inchworm. welcome to life.

letter to baby - thirty-five weeks, part 1

2012-01-20T12:30:00.000-08:00

dear baby,

as of late, everything lays in relation to your due date. there are those events that rest before and those that lie far ahead and after your arrival. we've had february 3, 2012 so at the forefront of our minds that we really didn't consider any other date. we knew the target could be off by days or a couple weeks. we did not prepare, intentionally, for the date to be a full month earlier.

it is.

luckily, my body knew before i did and prompted much nesting during my week off between the holidays. i put your pack and play together. stuffed its pockets with fresh diapers and wipes ordered from sweden via amazon. cleaned the house top to tails. rested anytime i felt the need.

then, last night, at 1:22 am, i woke on the couch and noticed that my pants were damp. my water had broken. disbelief. doubt. certainty. excitement.

your dad woke on the other couch and when i confronted him with "um, i think my water just broke" he snapped awake quickly with a twinge of his own disbelief. could you really be this early. i called my midwife and she confirmed that it sounded like my water broke. she encouraged me to sleep, eat, drink and touch base in the morning. we hadn't reached our meeting yet to discuss the birth plan so here we were - winging it.

i couldn't sleep. i may have dozed off between a marathon run of law & order. your gam gam drove in the wee hours of the morn to join us in wait. the hours seemed to pass quickly. the contractions started. piper didn't leave her resting place beside me unless to visit gam gam on the other couch for a quick nuzzle before returning to me. your dad snoozed upstairs.

you've been moving. you've had the hiccups. we ate breakfast for dinner after i finally slept for a full hour or so. we went to the hospital for a non-stress test to be sure your heartbeat was regular in relation to the contractions. we all agreed to meet back in the morning at 7:30 to assess whether i'd need to be induced or if my body would dive into a more productive labor.

i cried in my mum's arms once after feeling your movement and realizing that that feeling is soon to be only of the past and replacing it will be you, in my arms. overwhelming. beautiful.

i was a preemie at seven weeks early. i almost didn't make it. all i pray for now is that you are at a safe weight and that your lungs are hearty and healthy. we are about to embark on a day of pain and wonder. together.

your gam gam drew me a bath and as i rested in the bluish water, i rubbed my belly and talked to you about the name i mentioned to your dad tonight. when we said it at the hospital tonight, you kicked the stress monitor strapped around my belly. we shall see if it suits you once we meet you -- face-to-face.

now, tomorrow is the day that everything - absolutely everything - will be in relation to now. as i listen to the birthing stories of others, i now know that my own, ours, is spreading forth. i wanted to get these thoughts out before the pain grows too much to write. I wanted to write to you one last time while you and i share this womb.

soon, just hours now, you will be squealing into this world. all of the mystery surrounding your sex and features and personality will be unveiled. we will meet!

spectacular.

but, there is much work for us both before then. here's to us, my love.

here.

we.

go.

love, mum

(originally written january 2, 2012)

letter to baby - thirty-four weeks

2012-01-09T10:00:00.000-08:00

dear baby,

at this moment, i'm washing your sheets, socks, blankets, clothes, take me home outfit, etc. you've accumulated many comfy articles already and all this before anyone knows your sex. as soon as we all know, there's going to be more and more...it seems strange to be washing things that haven't been worn or used yet. all in preparation for your arrival, yet, i couldn't help but realize that i was cleaning a few decent piles of garments and linens for someone i haven't meant yet, but whose clothing size makes me and our friend hollis squeal with delight as we ready the items for washing by removing tags, ribbons, and hangers.

we are no longer counting months. we are weeks away. just. weeks. away.

i'm staring at those words and still cannot grasp their fullest potential for change in my life. i cling to the lingering moments you're housed in my womb. your quick, strong, and sometimes slight movements. the way you move a book as i rest it upon my belly for close reading about breastfeeding. are you playing or wanting it to move away? or the way i craved without question apple pie tonight on my way home from shopping for the both of us at outlets with my mum and hollis. i'd sipped apple cider and tasted a few bites of fried apples while at dinner at cracker barrel (where i feasted on a breakfast dish of eggs, cheesy hash browns and chicken fried steak - good food for my second cold of this pregnancy). today my mum treated me to some postpartum necessities and when the woman at the register gave me more "bump" coupons, i realized that i'd no longer be seeking maternity "bump" clothing. from now on, i'd need nursing tops and pants with real waistlines.

with all of these realizations in mind, i'm savoring these final weeks of our sacred togetherness. in two weeks, my midwife and i are to discuss the birth plan. i can recall when that day seemed so so far away and now it's so close. close enough that i'm waking early to shop the web for the remaining items needed for your comfort after arriving home. i'm focused and calm and looking forward to it all despite not having a true clue about any of it. i can read about birth and having a newborn at home. i can watch television shows or instructional dvds in classes. i grasp the concepts. i cannot wrap my mind around the realness that is you since i cannot imagine you yet. i glimpse you in the few ways you may show me who you are now. your strength. your sleepiness. your hiccups. your cravings. but to know you will mean to meet you. to glimpse your eyes that very first time. to hear your voice, your heart, your breathing. to witness you. wow. i'm content in knowing that i cannot imagine it all for what fun would it be to already have an idea.

i'm getting ready for you while at the same time, carrying you as close as close may be for the lingering moments i may.

precious time.

welcome soon 2012, the year of your birth. the year everything will change.

i love you.

mama

p.s. - one of the christmas gifts your dad bought me is a marine bell to place outside so that when it's time for you to come home, i may ring it and you'll hear it from all corners of the neighborhood. there is one just like it across the street at your grandpa's house and it was jingled by your grandma when your dad was young. "when you heard that, it was time to go." such a thoughtful gift made me realize that i'm really a mum now.

letter to baby - thirty-three weeks (p.s.)

2012-01-08T10:00:00.000-08:00

p.s. - i bought a pineapple, a whole pineapple to cut into chunks. i walked by the bin then returned. i could not resist. i never buy pineapples, let alone, whole pineapples. and, you know what? a couple days later, i read that during this week, you are the size of a pineapple. aha! these coincidences continue to amuse me.

letter to baby - thirty-three weeks

2012-01-07T10:00:00.000-08:00

hi baby,

it's the week before christmas. we held our bar's holiday party with much success. your dad has been in cambridge all week, attending the party of the other bar he runs as well as catching up with dear friends. we took our boat vintage out of the water. it's been such a mild winter, aka one small snowfall, that we were able to keep her in the harbor this late.

i've also been feeling a strong urge to buy the must-haves we'll need on hand when you come home. i'm sort of obsessed. often referred to as nesting - it's mostly taken the form of shopping. diapers. which ones? a bath tub. necessary? a cloth sling. will we need it in addition to the carriers we have? a monitor. sound and vision? bedding. finally found a brown striped skirt for your crib. paisley decals for the wall. large and gorgeous. a small wall hanging boasts notions of encouragement. the list goes on and is often overwhelming...bottles? nursing cover? more receiving blankets? bibs? burp cloths? sleepers? there's a small summation of where my mind's been of late. i'm sensing your arrival and the urge to be ultra ready tingles at my skin and aches my bones.

i've also been grappling with the notion of the physical you. i've only known you as movement, growth, and cravings from the inside. it's so difficult to wrap my mind around giving birth and having you here. actually here. on the outside. i truly can't imagine what you'll look like. who you're going to be. it's all such a lovely mystery. daunting as well. the concept of you. it's mind-blowing. i grow overwhelmed with excited happiness every time i try to imagine what it will be like to see and hold you for the first time. yet, the detail isn't present. how could it be?

just know this, my love, we're eagerly awaiting your arrival. so much planning and purchasing and wondering. many friends and family are beside themselves in wonderment of your sex, your name. ah, your name...

we really have no idea yet about what to name you. we both want to meet you first. we do have a list, and perhaps it resides there, but we will not know for sure until we meet you and know you for a slight while before making that very important decision. the pressure! your middle names are picked, however. both pay tribute to family.

so that's where my mind is at this holiday season. carrying you into the new year. the year of your birth. i must go shop now.

love, mum

(originally written december 22, 2011)

letter to baby - thirty-two weeks

2012-01-06T10:00:00.000-08:00

dear baby,

i cannot believe how close we are to your arrival date. the nesting instinct is revving up. my mum is here so often now, painting rooms, contributing furniture to your room as well as darling plush bamboo clothes for you to come home in.

she even brings along a chicken and veggies to roast (my favorite meal of hers) with a dessert of strawberry cheesecake. this meal was cooked a day after i baked a meatloaf as long as a 9x12-inch cookie sheet. the comfort food cravings are in full swing. you need your protein and i'm happily obliging.

there is a basket of blankets, socks, hats, clothes, etc. of yours that needs washing before settling into place in the dresser/changer my mum bought for your room. you've accumulated so many belongings already! they are adorably dainty and soft. sometimes i'll lay a tiny onesie across my belly and imagine your little self wearing it.

my belly is really growing now. i am hungry more often, but still eat smaller portions to remain comfortable while digestion takes its course. i am growing tired more often though, and must take advantage of the energy bursts when they spark -- usually piper encourages them with morning and dusk bouts of a ball toss. i am waking more frequently at night, perhaps because you are too.

your movements are so strong now. i watch as parts of you nudge movement across my belly, down my right side. i think my vantage point helps me witness these moves, but others may only feel them right now. i think your strength surprises your dad when he feels you. and, you always start moving when he speaks. you also start moving when i smell a tasty food aroma.

you are the size of four navel oranges this week. i'm definitely noticing your growth and that of my own now. just weeks away now from seeing you. knowing your sex. learning who you are.

we better get to picking a name!

love, mum

(originally written december 15, 2011)

letter to baby - thirty-one weeks

2012-01-05T10:00:00.000-08:00

my dearest one,

your dad and i took some classes at the hospital this week. on sunday, we sat for a crash course in child birth. it was loooong. usually the class is three sessions. because we recently moved here and all of the other three-session classes had occurred, we needed to take the last class, which crammed all of the info into one long sunday morning/afternoon.

we both were cautious about watching a birth video. the instructor played three! not as bad as i'd imagined, but there still were some uncomfortable sections, mostly because i put myself in the role of the birthing mum, and there's nothing comfortable about the process, it seems.

there were only two couples in the class of about ten or so who were not finding out the sex. we all had to write on pink or blue cards what we imagined you will weigh, how long you'll be, when you'll be born, etc. i've saved these cards from both classes just to see if we're even close.

last night, we took a brief class about infant care. we learned about everything from what your hunger signs will be to how to safely tuck you into your car seat. we even practiced sponge bathing a doll. your dad didn't want to pretend change the diaper. he's saving his first diaper change for you! he did swaddle the doll, and was teasingly adamant about doing that on his own.

your dad filled out the cards for that class. if you're a boy, he thinks you'll deliver during a time that allows him to sleep after work before you arrive, and that you won't be born near the time of the superbowl. if you're a girl, he predicted that you'd come along right as the game is starting. all in fun...

on the way home, we discussed what we have left to do to ready your nursery as well as what baby gear we still need to buy. it was a rainy dark evening and he needed to return to work for his shift, so i dropped him off at his truck and went home to feed us the chicken enchiladas i'd made the night before -- batting away piper from begging the entire time -- she seemed to have her fourth wind of the day.

these classes comfort me with more knowledge about you. i had no idea how much i didn't know and am happy that we both took them together. seemed strange to pretend care for a doll though. i wondered if your dad had ever played with a doll?! seeing a grown man pretend a doll is his baby is sort of comical.

it's a gray day today. your dad and piper are still asleep. i'm slightly tired from waking before sunrise. these days i just wake up early and can't fall back to sleep. i guess it's my body prepping for you. of course, i'll be getting even less sleep then so i should be happy with somewhat of a full night's sleep now.

i dreamt another baby dream last night. this, after a friend stopped by with his baby girl the other afternoon and i held her for an hour or so. i think holding her fueled the notion of holding you in my dream. dream baby. seemed so delicate. i've not held a newborn yet, and just know it's going to be overwhelming happiness the first time i hold you.

anyway, keep those strong movements coming. you're all over the womb these days. it's fun trying to imagine which part of you is bulging forth. we are just a couple of months away from you being in our arms instead, and i know i'll miss the intimacy of feeling you throughout the day, carrying you always, but i'm just as excited to see those little arms and legs all fired up with movement in your dad's hold.

much love,
mum

(originally written december 7, 2011)

letter to baby - thirty weeks

2012-01-04T10:00:00.000-08:00

Oh sweet baby,

It's been a stressful week work-wise, but you have proved a sweet distraction when needed. You hiccup. You stretch limbs. You zoom around. You sleep a lump on my side. Then lil Piper will wake from a nap and distract me further with a needy glance and heavy paws upon my arm. Last night when I missed the breastfeeding class I was supposed to attend because work kept me late in Somerville, you craved filet-oh-fish and a vanilla shake. Don't tell your dad!

We assembled your stroller the other night and it is so comfy. Grandma Judy got it for us. A few more gifts have arrived. One of your carriers - the first piece of gear I became obsessed with when picking out your necessities. I couldn't help but imagine you nestled in the infant insert. I even tried it on.

I've also organized your room. Filtered through the gifts to see what we still need and what needs washing. You are spoiled already! So many cute outfits and toys. We still need a changer and dresser. Your book cart is a quarter of the way full already! I placed the Shhh... placard on your door.

Our midwife visit went well. I need to eat more eggs and beans. Need to bulk up on Iron and protein. I made egg salad the next day.

You're my little cauliflower this week. You are bulking up and my hunger is growing. I've also started to walk with Piper down the main road here in the early morning, since I wake much earlier these days. She is still needing a bit more comfort on the leash and road but I'm prepping her for the stroller walks of our future.

And, when you got the hiccups the other night while Nils and I ate burgers, and I moved to the other side of the table so he could feel it, he was surprised, I think. You're already impressing us with the little milestones. The midwife says it's a good sign that you get them a few times a day. Means your lungs are working and that there's enough fluid in there with you.

Keep moving my love. You make me smile each time you do.

Love, mum

(originally written december 2, 2011)

letter to baby - twenty-nine weeks

2012-01-03T10:00:00.000-08:00

baby,

last weekend, a few of us got busy painting your bedroom. i like to compare the color to wet sand. very warm color. and, once we know you're sex, we can dress up the room with accessories that will reflect your personality. seeing the room transition from dirty pink walls to the new color is like a fresh hug that you can return to each day.

this week you're the size of a butternut squash. how appropriate for thanksgiving! i woke early to cook and your dad ran to the bar to see how our "bloody mary morning" was faring while i waited out a 14-pound turkey and prepped the sides. the first to head into the oven though were the butternut squash. once roasted, i simply seasoned the mash with salt and pepper and a few bits of butter. mashed potatoes were dressed with butter, boiled garlic, fresh chives, buttermilk, and sour cream. a hearty stuffing nestled with onions, celery, and sausage was baked crisp. the turkey roasted to a deep brown and after we ate, we both fell asleep while piper minded the kitchen with hopeful whining. she stole a bone and nibbled at the meat until i caught her. i guess the aromas filling the kitchen since 5:00 am was too much for her to resist. i'm going to have my hands full with the lot of you!

at this moment, your dad and our friend "scooter" are putting your crib and book cart together. we also were thrown another surprise baby shower by our neighbors; many of whom have know your dad since before he was born. i was so touched as i'm the newbie to the neighborhood. your dad told me that we were going over to the house to see about some hand-me-down baby gear, which i was grateful for. then, i entered the room (with bare feet mind you, having taken my boots off) and was greeted by a lovely group of neighbors, grandma judy and connie. your dad knew for months and was actually able to keep the secret! we opened gifts, the first being an adorable photo of nils that sparked stories of his childhood. we ate quiche and fresh fruit and dressed greens. all was tasty. it was so nice to feel welcomed by this group of women. a few mentioned how much they want to meet you and hopefully babysit. your dad was once the baby of the block and now you'll be. must be a treat for them to have witnessed the full circle.

supposedly you're beginning to settle into your birthing position. you are moving around quite a bit and i adore witnessing some of the movement visually while also feeling you.

we are in the final stretch, my love, and i know i've already said so, but my excitement is growing. i'm definitely nesting. i want to shop for the final gear we need to have on hand for your arrival. i cooked a huge pot of pasta and fresh sauce as well as a turkey soup in one afternoon. i know soon i'll be cooking and freezing meals that we'll delight in when the blur of days arrives once you're home. being able to focus solely on you will be a priority and necessity so having hearty grub stowed will be a comfort.

lil piper is resting on my feet while i type to you. the crib is put together and looks better than it did online. it's smaller than i imagined, but i think a lot is going to be that way, perhaps even you! everything is so much bigger in mind...now they're assembling your book cart and we already have fun stories to place upon its shelves, and there they'll wait for you. or, even better, once we have a comfy seat in the room, i'll start reading them to you before you arrive.

love,
mama

(originally written november 25, 2011)

letter to baby - twenty-eight weeks

2012-01-02T10:00:00.000-08:00

good morning baby,

we were thrown a thoughtful and fun baby shower last saturday. there were nostalgic toys and candy strewn across tables. mood rings. homemade lava lamps. a large cardboard cartoon depiction of your dad and i as hippies with cutouts for faces. nils and jen and baby makes three...

my mum and our dear andrea put the event together and did their best to serve it as a surprise, but well wishes poured in throughout the day from friends and relatives whose distance kept them from attending, but who kept us in their thoughts. i was not disappointed. i was overwhelmed with the thoughtfulness of the entire day.

our lives are filled with people genuine of heart and i feel lucky to share this time, any of it, with them. for days afterwards, mindful reflection followed as did gifts for you!

the baby shower seemed to put in motion the compulsion to ready your nursery. your grandpa bill came over to paint the ceiling and your dad or my mum plan to paint the walls this weekend so we may start unpacking all of the baby presents that are resting in the breezeway. now my excitement has grown to a whole new level. seems to grow stronger and more curious with each passing day. seven months. here we are. it's no time now, my love.

you've been hiccuping a lot these days. each time those flutters tickle my belly, i smile. your dad is a hiccuper too. and, well, so is little piper. i'm also starting to witness your movement across my belly. a tap of a heel or arm pops my belly up. the trail of a foot perhaps, glides across. and, you seem to settle your rump on my right side. that's your spot and i rub and pat you all the while.

your the length of an eggplant this week. each time i mention that to someone, they seem astonished that you're that long. i'm more impressed and eager for you to grow and grow.

my second visit with the midwife went well. i do have a bad cold and the coughing is relentless and keeps me up at night. she said to rest and keep hydrated and stay away from milk for a bit. i also need to watch my sugar intake after the results of the glucose test. i passed but i need to stray from the carbs and focus more on protein.

last night i scrambled eggs with cheese and laid them atop a bed of sautéed greens. you were moving all over after that meal and as grandpa bill built a fire in the wood stove for us, his lady connie felt your belly taps and smiled.

i look forward to seeing the beginnings of your bedroom. washing and setting into place the adorable clothes gifted last weekend. figuring out what's left to buy so we're ready for you. continuing to imagine you in a stroller or carrier and snuggling you with hugs and nuzzley kisses.

also, we've been walking the beach with piper in the morning. the fresh air clears my stuffy lungs. the sun feels warm on my chilly face and fingers. piper relishes her beachy explorations and often turns to look up then jump up to me for a quick hug before continuing on. i wonder if we'll take these walks together in the spring. you in a carrier. i'd like that. it's a grand way to start the day.

love, mum

(originally written november 18, 2011)

letter to baby - twenty-seven weeks

2012-01-01T10:00:00.000-08:00

good morning baby,

here i am, closing my second week of working remotely. i drove into the city one afternoon this week so i could print materials for my sales reps.

the drive itself wasn't bad and the warm greetings i received from those at the office were sweet. leaving felt strange since it wasn't 5:00 yet, and i tried a new-to-me route home, which took a a bit longer than i anticipated since i took a wrong turn, but soon found myself navigating back towards the right path. i said aloud to you not to be afraid of making mistakes, because sometimes, if lucky, you learn from them. i've been afraid to tackle many things in life for fear of mistakes or worse, outright failure (gasp!) and now i hope to lead a different example for you. perhaps you're making me stronger.

working at my home desk has provided tranquil entertainment. birds swooping both in sight (and sometimes only shadows) from tree-to-tree then taking turns to bathe in the gutter of a house and dry upon the roof before returning to the tree then flight. the pups in rest and teasing play. the waves in the distance with their mellow tide. the weather has been lovely for this time of year. we fixed up the wood stove for this season and have only used it once. tonight may be the second night of use, and i look forward to the aroma and warmth and task of keeping the flames aglow.

you have been reacting to your dad's voice, which encourages him to talk to you more often. i think he still sees my belly as a bigger version of itself rather than seeing you. [smile]

your gam gam came to the hospital with me this week to see it for the first time as well as accompany me for my glucose testing and second rhogam shot. when we returned home, she spent time shopping for and compiling a delicious chicken casserole that i will be craving from now on. creamy mashed taters with tanned bits of chicken, sauteed mushrooms and onions and mixed veggies - all topped with gooey cheddar cheese.

i noticed that each time i lingered in the kitchen to take in the aromas, you fluttered around. i could swear that you were smelling it too! then i read about week 28, which begins today, and sure enough, you are smelling what i smell! you could smell the meal your gam gam was cooking for us. how special!

this week you are the weight of a head of cauliflower. your lungs are working and i have definitely felt the rhythm of hiccups. now, both you and puppy piper get the hiccups often. :)

your gifts keep arriving daily and soon your nursery will be painted so we can begin setting up everything. your arrival is just months away, my love, and each day i wonder what you look like, what your personality will be, what sex you are (!), what name will be suitable, what your cry will sound like, what colors your eyes and hair will be, if you'll have our prominent foreheads and wavy hair, what music will comfort you, what nursing you will be like...there is much to imagine...much yet still to know. until then, we're getting ready bit-by-bit for our lil bits.

love you,
mum

(originally written november 11, 2011)

letter to baby - twenty-six weeks

2011-12-31T10:00:00.000-08:00

hi baby,

the initial meeting with the midwife went well. we listened to your heart and after she found the beat, you must have reacted in some way because she smiled and said that your ears are working.

i'm signing up for classes. the baby registry gifts have started arriving, which is more exciting than the holidays or a birthday! i'm on the cusp of the third tri and part of me can't believe we're "this close" to meeting while the other part of me feels that i've been pregnant for ages. i'm so excited to meet you. we must beging to focus on your name!

i believe that you've begun to share ripples of hiccups. i'm not sure why that's so darling, but it is. any movement or presses of what i'm guessing is a foot is oh so welcome and appreciated and admired and paid attention to. i talk to you a lot more now. pat my belly when i feel either your rump or back resting on a side. sometimes i even rock.

i've been sharing a lot of music with you. all different sorts. i play it throughout my working day. i wonder if you feel the movement of my tapping hands or legs keeping the beat. i hope you appreciate music as much as your papas and i do. then, he can teach us both to play the guitar.

piper has been resting her floppy ears upon my belly much more now when she rests alongside me. she climbs up as close as she may and falls asleep next to you. sometimes, you tap movement near her. whether a greeting or a "hey get off of my belly" -- i'm not sure, but i tell her that her baby is there and sometimes she even licks a lil tender kiss upon my belly. bestest friends already?

i guess you are the length of an english hothouse cucumber, which is funny, since that's exactly the type of cucumbers i buy to pair with tomatoes or dress with a vinagery dill and sour cream dressing. after each week's food comparison, i don't think i can look at food the same way again, without comparing it to your size or what cravings i've had.

this morning we woke early to piper's cries. as i let her out, i noticed how gorgeous the red sky was. i snuggled with her a bit more then decided not to miss an opportunity to shoot such a beautiful sunrise. i rose, grabbed my camera and tripod, bundled up, and walked to the beach. what a spectacular decision! i watched as the sky was blushed with red wisps. then, as the rising sun became visible, the sky and water glistened with fresh daylight and intense colors.

sometimes it's worth the sacrifice of sleep to capture the beauty around. i wondered how many sunrises we'd see together. if i'd be able to tuck you into a carrier to take you with me to the morning shoot. i want for you to appreciate the lovely environment you'll be growing up in, and i think i only see it because i still view it all with the gaze of an outsider. will you like to take photographs like i do?

ah, to know you...what an adventure this is going to be!

love, mum

(originally written november 6, 2011)

letter to baby - twenty-five weeks

2011-12-30T10:00:00.000-08:00

hi baby,

i'm writing to you from my new work environment - a home office! although i'm technically in the 26th week right now, i was unable to write to you last week because we were moving from cambridge to mattapoisett and i didn't have internet access or time even to sit and consider all that was going on around us.

now, i sit in a freshly painted room, thanks to your gam gam (yes, this is what my mum wants you to call her). a fresh light green color is highlighted in spots by bright sunshine. our pups are resting on a couple of body pillows they have claimed their own. these new office mates snore, but i'm able to stream one of my favorite boston radio stations (wers) to drown out their snoozing.

it was a tough week, i will not lie. i do not have access to my usual physical stamina and unpacking proved more of a challenge than usual. your papas picked up an extra shift in cambridge so he was working nights there and i was here, gradually tucking our belongings into a new space.

we've had this house for three years and had no idea when we'd be able to live here, and now, here we are. it's falling into place and is no doubt going to be challenging still since he must still work in cambridge some nights, but that's how life is, kiddo. some of us make sacrifices to eventually make it to a much comfortable place of being. your papas and i are used to being apart and although we go through the motions with the hope in mind -- goal -- to have an easier go of it within the next few years, after putting this time in. it'll be even more interesting when you're here. i think my working here at home will really help with that.

so let's see, you've been sleeping more but still moving about when you're awake. i've read that this is the time when you're adapting to your own sleeping schedule and i noticed before having read that tidbit. grow, grow, my lil bits.

your grandma judy took us shopping yesterday after she woke with an urge to buy you clothes -- this even after her declaration earlier that she is "not the clothes shopping grandma, she's the toy grandma..." we had fun picking out hooded towels and comfy sleeper gowns. i held a newborn onesie and couldn't believe how little you could be. a feeling of happiness swelled inside. and you were moving around a lot. she mused that you knew we were shopping for you and that means you're a girl, ha.

i've been craving apple cider, gala apples, oatmeal. one day i'd like to develop recipes for these different craving periods. :) apple crisp or muffins could be divine for this week. i'll be crafting a hearty beef soup today for noshing this week. i look forward to being able to be home to cook for your dad and be near our pups and feel more contented by these little changes. be a more relaxed muma for you.

this afternoon i have my first appointment with the midwife. embarking on a whole new birth plan. i'll let you know how it goes. i'm excited to meet her after having had a great discussion with her over the phone a few weeks back when we weren't sure when we'd be moving. and, here we are -- all moved in and taking on all of this newness.

i'm out of the city. i'm living by the sea. wow.

after months and months of worry, life is falling into place once again and i thank you for the changes. you were a catalyst. already our special lil one giving us all we need.

love you bits.
mum

(originally written october 31, 2011)

letter to baby - twenty-four weeks

2011-12-29T10:00:00.000-08:00

hi baby,

week 24 has passed. six months. wowza. i've been having a lot of ligament stretching pains. you must be expanding your room! you're moving all the time and sometimes there's a hard pressure on one side and whether it's your rump or back or head, i rub the spot and talk to you.

you've been receiving gifts already. your auntie mailed you fine trinkets from her vacation in europe. she laughed that it was my birthday but that you got all of the presents. :) that's just fine with me! i have you and you're the best gift.

my manager and i have worked out the start of my telecommuting plan. this outcome, after months of worry, is a welcome surprise and a huge load off of my mind. we'll work out the logistics next week, but i am so happy to report that i'll be able to work in a home office, near your papas and soon you. and pup breaks and pups lying at my feet will be oh so welcome! you're making it all fall into place, kiddo. i guess that's how it is when there's a baby coming...

i've been packing for our move next wednesday all week. i pack in two hour intervals so my back pain doesn't get too bad. piper encourages many snuggle and plays pauses. there still seems to be much to pack, but i think that's because the date is looming and i'm usually alone while packing so it's daunting.

this morning though, after packing, a dear friend, auntie alex, came by. she's in town for the weekend for a yoga training. she's moved to vermont and i miss our weekly thursday nights together but as she remarks on how strange it is that we're moving at the same time, i realize that i predicted this year to be a year of change for many. it's good that we're both moving on to new adventures at the same time - not leaving each other behind in too much familiarity. much to talk about now. graciously, she helped me carry odds and ends to the car. ah, she saved me today.

after nibbling on a chocolate croissant and savoring a pumpkin chai latte (heaven!) at a small cafe below the yoga studio, we part ways and i remember how much time i spent in that studio and how i loved it and how i miss it dearly. on the walk home, i notice two squirrels scattering around the trunk of a tree. they stop on perfect opposites and stare at me while i pass. i will mention now that i'm being inspired to write a children's story, and this maybe-last stroll down that very familiar street sparked another verse.

then i walk along the side of the park while children play soccer. i overhear someone yell "go get it """ addressing a little girl playing whose name is one of my picks if you are a girl. i smile at the mention and think it could be a fine name.

remember this, always be listening and watching, because simple moments that may have passed if you were preoccupied or just lost in your own thoughts are suddenly bits of a memory or inspiration.

love, mama

(originally written october 22, 2011)

letter to baby - twenty-three weeks (p.s.)

2011-12-28T21:35:00.000-08:00

p.s. - today while at the doctor's office, we heard your heart beating again. as the tech waved the wand over you, the machine kept cutting out, so we'd hear this strong fast heart beat then suddenly the machine would turn off. a few tries and another machine later, i think your patience was had and you started kicking at the wand. each kick was followed by our laughter. seems you want to be left alone in your snug home. oh, and you are two mangoes in size now.

(originally written october 14, 2011)

letter to baby - twenty-three weeks

2011-12-28T21:30:00.000-08:00

hello baby,

We celebrated my birthday last weekend the same as we have for the past few years -- on Martha's Vineyard. The trip serves a dual purpose (perhaps even a triple purpose!). It's usually our last extended boat ride of the season before we pull her out in November. A mini-vacation vibe plays throughout the weekend since it's usually a holiday weekend. Then, there's the notion of birthday celebration.

As this year was the fifth anniversary of my thirtieth birthday, I was a bit more pensive than usual. As I'm carrying you, my focus was on the year ahead; it will not be like any other year I've ever stepped into. And, between us, I kept forgetting that it was my birthday! My thoughts these days are consumed with planning your bedroom (paint colors, furniture) and, in the immediate future, our move to the house that will enclose it.

Yes, we are a week away from the big move -- the move that will render me a settled suburbanite. We have much packing to do before then and a weekend away seemed foolish at this time, but it was welcomed once we set our concern and hesitation aside.

The weather was gorgeous. 80+ degrees. Sun warming the skin. Calm waters. Chilly evenings perfect for sleeping in the boat's cabin, all snug and cozy.

While we all relished a cool night from the heated porch of a restaurant/bar, amusing ourselves with guesses about the artists of the 80s playlist filling the air, while the night sky glistened upon the water below, I sipped a virgin pina colada and that got you moving enough for our dear friend Jen to feel a kick. I'm so enamored by your movements.

Last night it felt as if you were spinning somersaults -- a cascading flicker of multiple touches all at once. You are amazing me already. In three months(!) we will meet and I'm both overwhelmed and excited and oh so curious about that moment. Until then, I relish each movement and talk to you as much as I may without looking like a lonely lady chatting with herself while driving or packing boxes for the move.

Our Piper is resting at my feet as I write to you. She left the comfort of the couch to be close to us while lounging on a hardwood floor. When I came home late tonight, she was at the door waiting, then when I knelt down, she tucked her nose close to my belly and nudged in for a minute or so. She's a rascal and a dear and I hope you two and Sagey will all be delighted with each other. I try to imagine you all playing in the yard on an autumn day or at the beach during the summer. Will you make discoveries together? Get all rough and tumble? She hasn't known me without you there with me. So precious.

Here I am, a year older. Here we are a day shy of the six-month mark. Wow. I can't believe these months have passed already. You are three months away! When I mentioned that to your dad tonight, he seemed a bit stressed so I grabbed his attention by taking his hands and placing them on my belly. Bond with the baby. How? he wondered aloud. Just talk to the baby belly. It's your baby belly too.

I've already changed so much from carrying you. I'm already in mum-mode. I think it's different for a dad. I'm not quite sure how to share the experience more. Maybe once he can see you move the experience will seem more real? I changed immediately. Your presence affects every aspect of my life. I think your dad is in a nesting mode of his own though. Getting the bar sorted out. Then the house. Making sure we're taken care of and comfortable before your arrival. (hello somersaults again!) I look forward to seeing him holding you. I look forward to seeing him as a dad. Shh, don't tell him though...

Okay, my love, I must return to laundry and packing. Thanks for the excuse to sit and write. Keep flickering along. Keep growing.

Love, love,
Mum

(originally written october 13, 2011)

letter to baby - twenty-two weeks

2011-12-19T08:00:00.000-08:00

hello baby,

we are 22 weeks along now. yesterday i read that you are 11 inches in size and weigh about a pound. those measurements explain why your kicks and movement are much more easily felt these days and nights. of course there was a food comparison -- a summer squash, which also happens to be nils's favorite. i joked with my friend, who also is pregnant, that we should devise recipes each week based on what food our babies are compared to. this week, hers is an avocado. that's my favorite.

i've been eating more. last night, i made a thick egg salad with celery and scallions, mayo and seasoning. piper whined for a taste while the eggs simmered to a perfect peelable state. she and sage are good kitchen companions with curious noses and seeking eyes. i was mostly making it so your papas would have something to nosh throughout the week, but one bite, and i had to scoop a mound alongside the baked sweet potato and french green beans with almond slivers i was about to enjoy. i also sipped lemonade with a few splashes of hibiscus tea. so good. of course i got nervous about the tea and visited google for reassurance that we can drink this tea safely. sure enough, as long as i'm not in the first tri, we're good. phew. having to consider everything i eat and drink is still new to me, but it does add an appreciative thoughtful air to the consideration of what we are consuming rather than just eating mindlessly.

this morning i played a cd for you while on my way to work. it's a lullaby cd that your gran judy bought for you and for me to play while you are in the womb. she's bought the cd for your aunts to play for your cousins and says that the babies melt in her arms when she plays it for them as she cradles them. i was advised to play it when we are alone. the only time that's the case is in the car. i played it loud and listened to the lyrics and of course watery eyes of emotion ensued. the lyrics are hopeful and touching. i soon imagined singing them to you to soothe you to sleep, because by then, if played each morning during my commute, i should know the words. that's really what made me teary. imagining you. yet again.

i'm turning 35 on monday. the age when doctors warn about birth defects and difficulties. the age that falls at the beginning or end of checklist brackets -- never the middle. seems a marking number, for some reason. honestly, i never imagined where i'd be at this age, but i am happy with what's coming round. i am happy that you are here. i'm happy that i'm surrounded by loving and supportive family and friends.

my love for your papas grows each day i get to know him more because we bond through each milestone and accomplishment we take on together. may you find such a strong and true and effortless love someday, my sweet.

this weekend, we are traveling with our good friends, russ and jen, to martha's vineyard. we make this trip each year for my birthday. it also acts as the final boat trip of the season. it's off-season on the island and is very calming. i hope to find a few trinkets for you. the urge to shop for dainty baby things is growing. so is my belly! i caught sight of myself in a window reflection and exclaimed that i couldn't believe how big i am. i don't that size when i peer down. i don't feel it either, which is good. i'm happy to be showing more as it means that you are growing.

piper rested across my belly this morning before i put her in her crate for a morning nap. i talked about you to her. said that you're her baby. her buddy. soon after is when she climbed over my belly and collapsed right across it. hugging you perhaps. ;)

the registry is complete. somehow i made it through. devised everything you may need in the first year of life despite being a new mum-to-be. now my mum and andrea are planning the baby shower for next month. i'm excited to see your carriage and crib and a few of the plush toys as well as wooden toys i selected in the actual tactile flesh. imagining your nursery has been fun as well. and, soon, in just a few weeks time, we are moving into the house where it will be and i can get started. i hope it looks as good in reality as it does in mind. i tried to keep it neutral and beachy.

i'm excited to move so i can begin feeling settled and crafting our home -- the place you will know as home. leaving the city i've lived in since i was 17 is bittersweet, but i can't ignore the feeling that a new and more suitable home is calling. is waiting. so. much. change. at. once. but i can't ponder it too much because right now, you are kicking my lower left side. my sweet distraction, good morning.

(originally written october 5, 2011)

letter to baby - twenty-one weeks

2011-12-16T08:00:00.000-08:00

baby,

it is autumn but the heat feels like summer. there are leaves crunching beneath our feet on the sidewalks. it is a transitional time, for sure.

last weekend, i stayed behind in cambridge while nils went to mattapoisett to install a new front door at the bar. that chore took all day. when he returned, we went with some friends to see the comedian bill burr. i think we both are feeling nostalgic about this city right now and are trying to fit in some good times, like old times, before we leave for the seaside.

i woke early on sunday to see your gammy. she had dropped off grandpa and auntie carol at the airport -- they are off to barcelona and prague. we ate at a local cafe and discussed your crib that she was picking up that day in chestnut hill. a few hours later, your dad and our friends woke and we headed to another restaurant for breakfast. and, yes, i did eat another one! one for me and one for you. soon after (probably because of the irish tea i sipped) you were scattering about and started kicking. hollis, who is very impatient to see you, placed her hand on me and felt you kick. hard. that jump started tears in her eyes. later that night, while lying in bed with nils, you were moving again (seems that you wake when i relax), and i placed his hand where i felt you and you gave him a couple of good kicks and he was amazed. you're growing stronger and it's fascinating actually feeling the growth.

we walked to that same cafe this morning for a repeat order. piper had me up at 5:00 -- she has a bad belly today. you and i were very hungry and needed a substantial breakfast. cereal simply wouldn't suffice today. it was nice to walk there, sort of pretend that i didn't have to leave for work in an hour. while i waited for the breakfast 'wich to be made of a croissant, scrambled eggs, gooey swiss cheese and avocado slices, i noticed how tired and unhappy all of the sidewalk commuters appeared. soon i'd be joining that rush, probably with a matching expression. that's when some mum advice for you landed in mind.

i thought about encouraging you to follow whatever it truly is that you want to make of your life. i've lived to please and struggle to discover passions "on the side" hoping that one day they'd take over and i'd be linked with contentment. i want more for you. i hope to feed whatever curiosities you may have and support you to make your own decisions. this is what i hope now. and, not knowing who you'll be makes the notion even more exciting.

you're shifting around right now. i love that feeling. i've been dreaming about a baby lately. dark fuzzy hair. adorable tiny-ness. i think it's because i saw a newborn at a baby gear store last weekend and realized that i haven't held a newborn since your auntie carol was born almost 28 years ago. wow. seems fitting that you'll be the next one.

keep growing, lil bits. i've read that you're around 8.5 inches now. no wonder i'm feeling you!

much love,

mum

(originally written september 28, 2011)

letter to baby - twenty weeks

2011-12-13T08:00:00.000-08:00

baby,

we've reached the halfway mark! i'm officially twenty weeks along in this pregnancy and the fun is beginning.

the registry is almost wrapped (your nursery is planning to be nicer than any room i've ever had!). a dear friend and my mum are planning the shower for november. other friends are reaching out to me with advice about the must-have gear i should include -- the items that have come in most handy for their lil ones. it's kind of nice being the late mum to the scene -- everyone else has much to share and i may sit back and take it all in.

we also are planning to move between november and december. as mentioned before, that is going to be a huge change for all of us. a change i look forward to, especially since i will finally get to start making a space just for you in your bedroom.

also, you are moving more. nils felt you kick for the first time while we were driving the other day. it was so light he almost doubted that he felt it, but i assured him that your lil extremities are active enough to be felt.

the other night i danced with you. i put on the juno soundtrack record and held piper in my arms while swaying to the first track. she mellowed from a puppy frenzy then headed back to her exploration, a bit tamer. that's when i held you (aka my belly) in my hands, cradled you, in front of the speaker and danced to all of side a. i so hope for you to appreciate music as much as we do. we have many records from the past and a few from the present artists that we hope survive your youth so you'll be able to enjoy the crackly tunes with us someday. so, my sweet, we had our first dance, you and i, just the two of us.

this weekend we are remaining in the city to begin sorting through our belongings. it's the perfect nesting chore for me.

keep growing. my persistent hunger insists that you are, lol.

love,
mum

(originally written september 20, 2011)

letter to baby - nineteen weeks, cont.

2011-12-11T08:00:00.000-08:00

hello luv,

you are providing much distraction these days. whether it's the amusement you spark with each burble or poppy movement you share with me that causes a smiling pause, or the hours i spend considering your registry -- designing a room for your beginning, hopefully cozy and calm while also inspiring for your curious eyes to graze -- while i should be working or while lil piper dear scanter over for attention from a mum once again sitting at the computer instead of playing catch or couch cuddle with her growing self, or these daydreams that fill my thoughts while walking, driving or sneaking up when i'm engaged (seemingly) in conversation.

you are ever-present in my thoughts. obsession, for sure. but, the sweetest obsession i've ever experienced and the most deserved. i know how fleeting these months will be in the larger scheme of your life and our lives together, so if my mind wanders towards thoughts of you within each moment of day and the dreams of night, so be it. we deserve this time.

last week i had the first ultrasound of our second trimester. we could have learned your sex. we decided not to, but instead carried a card for the doctor to write it in, seal it and save as a keepsake for you. well, the plan fell by the wayside when our doctor announced that they could not determine the sex. precisely. despite our being told to close our eyes when the wand grazed over "that area," a definitive reply was not met apparently. we were told that "she has a guess" and were asked if we wanted to know. we opted not to and to stick to our original plan of simply not knowing.

your secret is safe still, my lil dear. we did see your bones and your spine looked so beautiful -- intricate and strong. your beating heart. blue and red blobs of color moving throughout the chambers of your heart. your kidneys and stomach. your brain. and...your face! we do have a scan of your face looking directly at us. it's mysterious -- your distinct features linger beneath a veil of shadows. i cling to the image still as it's your first "gaze" at us. sort of...my aunts and mum think the profile scan looks like my own, lol.

we've been eating more. seasoned craw fish. sweet corn on the cob. lobster. (all courtesy of your uncle kurt and aunt wendy) thai. chinese. cooked sushi (a few times, um, twice in one day). sliced mango with sticky rice drizzled with coconut milk -- eaten on the day that i was told you are the size of a mango -- not on purpose. pink grapefruit and much cereal. lots of juice, pink lemonade, milk, and water. i'm thirsty quite often.

with your growth is coming my own. i finally gained a few extra pounds and now my belly has officially "popped." my mum and i went shopping in honor of the occasion. the cooler months are ahead and i want to be prepared with comfortable, reliable clothing. i'll have too much on my mind to wonder about daily outfits. our move. the baby shower your auntie andrea is treating us to. readying our home and your nursery. finalizing my birth plan. training lil piper before you arrive.

just know that i'm embracing all of this change. now that i feel better, i'm able to look ahead with excitement while feeling comfortably settled in the present.

okay, i must return to the project i was working on before your teensy belly pops distracted me to writing. thank you for the inspiration!

love, mum

letter to baby - nineteen weeks

2011-12-10T07:57:00.000-08:00

hello baby,

so much is happening! or rather, seemingly about to happen...

first, i told my manager about you last week. my friend also told her manager about her baby. soon, we learned about the rumor that had been making the rounds for a couple of months: we were both pregnant. apparently, the ladies of our office had been monitoring our restroom breaks, attire edits, tendency to hold something in front of our growing bellies. we laughed with them about their apparent investigation and ongoing chatter. earlier that day, i had noticed one of them eyeing my belly upon my return from lunch. when i mentioned that sighting to her, she said that yes, she had been looking and was caught in the act. it's a relief that i no longer have to hide the presence of you. now i may be pregnant full-time!

second, our friends who are renting our home in mattapoisett are so close to buying their own home and moving out. their move will put into motion that of our own. i am both excited and nervous and nostalgic. being able to act on my nesting instincts by choosing paint colors, filtering through our possessions, and crafting your nursery is very exciting for me.

i'm nervous because living so far from the city i've lived in for many years may be a slight shock to my system. that's where nostalgia steps in as well. i've grown up here. i moved here at 17, a shy and impressionable teen. now, i will be leaving for a seaside village with your dad at age 34, a soon-to-be mum.

yet, i can't imagine a more suitable future for me. mattapoisett feels like a home now and each sunday night when i leave, i get the blues -- this is how i know it's right. it may still cause growing pains, but we must toss ourselves into new adventures to discover what we're capable of and to live the life meant for us.

this morning i also started a blog in your honor. i wanted a place to post these letters as well as photos of our growing family and goings on after you are born. it's also the easiest way for me to share updates with my family in other states. i hope it will also serve as a place for you to reference the start of your life, and soon, our lives together. i don't know if you'll be interested in reading it or writing something of your own someday. for now, i'll simply start a space for sharing and see where it takes us.

thanks for the inspiration my fluttering love.

love, mum

(originally written september 6, 2011)

letter to baby - eighteen weeks

2011-12-06T08:00:00.000-08:00

hello there, lil one.

i've been feeling you moving about. the movement feels like the fluttering of delicate butterfly wings. if i wasn't paying close attention, i may just miss it.

a couple of nights ago as i was resting before sleep, i felt you in the middle of my abdomen and i rested my fingers there. i could feel you from the outside AND inside and i must have fallen asleep with that smile on my face, after texting nils the news while he was working at our bar.

"i can feel the baby moving both inside and with my hand! can't wait for you to feel it too. i can't stop smiling."

"sweet / already restless / that's my kid"

"yep. and now we r in the naunight and it's nowhere to be felt ha."

"definitely mine. i'm tired just hearing about bedtime."

i've been craving cinnamon and chai tea. i buy only cereals with cinnamon accents. i warm vanilla soy milk and decaf chai concentrate and savor slow sips throughout the morning while working.

now, i look forward to seeing you again next week, after the holiday weekend of labor day. our last weekend in mattapoisett was fun but slightly intense since the hurricane stormed in and wrecked some havoc; tearing down trees while uprooting others; sucking the towns near and far of electricity and running water; enlivened the ocean to a higher tide (i will show you the photos!) swaying new sands along our neighborhood beach and burrying the benches your pop built for the beach. i enjoyed the energy of the winds and others went swimming with glowsticks tied to their suits. i returned home to cambridge to find the alleyway strewn with heavy tree branches blocking the path. then, poor lil piper was so sick, probably from the saltwater beach fun she'd had earlier that day when we rose early and walked to the beach together (newly christened salty dog that she is). it was an energy draining few days, but when i felt you flutter, all worry subsided and i focused on you.

we're nearing the mid-way point of this pregnancy. i'm showing now, and must tell my boss very soon (perhaps today). i worry about what our life will be like in mattapoisett becuase it seems that we may need to move there sooner than later. our tenants/friends are "this close" to buying their own home and we'd need to move in dec or jan. then, i'd have to find a new doctor for us. my commute to work would be terrible - especially during the thick of winter. i worry that my boss won't allow me to telecommute at all even though my actual presence in our office isn't necessary since my team is remote. i worry that i won't see you enough if my commute extends to almost four hours a day. i worry what strain that will put on us all.

with all of this worry swimming in mind, i did have a glimpse of what a good day living in mattapoisett could mean. waking to a beach walk with our dogs. resting on the porch afterwards while the dogs chew on fallen branches. taking in the morning sunshine. all of us starting our day in the same place and eventually retiring together. all of these notions haven't been made possible yet. i suppose there must be sacrifices made for them to be possible. i just don't want the sacrifices to outweigh and overshadow the good.

i must let go of worry though. life has given me the notion of you. that's more than i thought possible. now, it's guiding us to a new home. i never knew when that'd be able to happen. so, i suppose it's all going to fall into order without my worry and control.

let us not live with worry. it's wasteful of energy and mindfulness. for now, i'll rest my hand on my belly and wait for you to make me smile.

until next week, my dear.

mama

(originally written september 1, 2011)

letter to baby - sixteen & seventeen weeks

2011-11-08T15:26:00.000-08:00

Hi baby,

I'm combining my letters for weeks 16 and 17 because it's been slow going here.

We did travel to Burlington, Vermont to see friends of ours last weekend. The first trip in the new car. The car we bought with you in mind. My little red car would no longer serve safe enough for us. We traveled with friends from Mattapoisett, met our friends in Vermont and met up with friends from Key West who happened to be staying across Lake Champlain.

You and I got caught in a rainstorm when returning from a walk to the shore. We swam in their pool while the rain scattered tiny waves across the water's surface. I love to swim in the rain; reminds me of my youth when we'd do so in our backyard during summery storms that paused the sunshine with thick droplets of cooling water.

We met our friends' baby girl, Molly. She's smiley and alert and oh so holdable. At one point she put her hand on my belly and your dad got a photo of it.

All of the friends we saw are very special to us and will most likely be part of your memories at some point. We always make an effort to see each other throughout the year in different locations. Sometimes our best fun is with them. They all are looking forward to you.

Did I mention that you've tasted fried chicken? I'm happy to have an appetite for meat rejuvenated. You must need some protein...

This week there was an earthquake in Virginia that shook the land way up to Canada. It even moved buildings in Boston. I was on a lunch break on doggy duty when it happened. Sage was barking for no reason around the time it occurred. I had no clue, until I returned to the office and it was the news of the moment and for the rest of the day. Later that night, our friend in San Fran texted me that they also experienced an earthquake. The lands are rumbling and it seems strange for them to do so here.

This weekend there may pass a hurricane. Nils is worried about our boat. Will we need to pull it out of the water? Will our house by the seaside be okay? Strange to have all of these dramatic earthly events occur in a single week. I hope everything fares okay. Maybe the storm will pass by unassuming like the one that stayed out-to-sea last year. But, maybe Hurricane Irene is more determined and on course than that storm was.

Your puppy rested her head upon my belly last night again. Can she hear your heart beating? She lifted her head toward my face for kisses then nibbled my bottom lip, pausing each time to look in my eyes. She is such a love and I'm hoping you'll be good pals. Sage is growing used to her but still needs his own special attention.

You are now the size of my palm. I look forward to seeing you again in a couple of weeks. Until then, I'll keep eating for us. Today was corn flakes, then a rye sandwich with thick slices of Colby cheddar, tomato from your grandad's garden as well as a hot banana pepper he and his lady also grew. I suppose your dad told them that I adore (crave!) banana peppers because they sent him home with a hefty bag of tomatoes and these peppers.

Grow well, my luv.

<3 mum

(originally written august 25, 2011)

letter to baby - fifteen weeks

2011-11-08T15:20:00.000-08:00

dear baby,

your gam gam (this is what my mum has decided her grandma name will be...) and i crib shopped online together, and we found a crib that's suitable for a boy or girl. it's also very beachy looking - crisp white, bead board headboard. it's convertible so you'll have it in your room as an infant, then toddler, then as a kid. she also order the sporty and sturdy bassinet/playpen/changer that you'll rest in during the first few months of your new life. beside our bed. within an arm's reach. i get excited picking out these items, and now that some have been purchased, well, your presence seems nearer.

my belly is growing. your gam gam and auntie want pictures on a weekly schedule. when i see the photos i shoot one-handed, i realize how much bigger my belly is, although when i touch it or look at its reflection in the mirror it doesn't seem so.

i'm starting to feel better but still am sensitive to smells. it's nice having a bit more energy, especially since our new puppy is home. she's prepping me for a varied sleeping schedule. she and our older pup, sage, are growing used to each other. he was very grumpy at first. it's been a little over a week and this morning he started a game of chase with her! so, my energy has arrived just in time. she keeps me going. and going. and going...

she likes to rest on the couch next to me and twice has crawled over to my belly and rested her head upon it. i couldn't help but feel that she could sense or hear you. that you two are pals already. :)

we have an early morning doc appointment this week. i don't think i'll get to hear you or see you again for another few weeks. this is just a check up. i do hope to start feeling you move though. i felt a lump of pressure on my side last friday night and felt that it was you, especially since the pressure lifted after a few moments. i hope i'll know when it's you. i don't want to miss it.

keep growing, my dearest. my excitement is growing with each day and each measure my belly gains. your grandmas are shopping for you. i dreamt about a baby girl again last night. sweet smile. long legs. but, just last week, i dreamt about a boy with fuzzy red hair. you're keeping me guessing and that's just fine by me. you'll be the best surprise yet. just as you.

kisses. love.
mum

(originally written august 16, 2011)

letter to baby - fourteen weeks

2011-11-08T15:11:00.000-08:00

baby,

you are collecting a smattering of names already. it's quite comical. nils's mum insists that you are a girl and calls you ava or dukes (in reference to one of your ultrasound scans that showed you with both of your arms up as if fighting off the ultrasound wand...). another name is rich, after our friend rich who thinks we should name you after him whether you're a boy or girl.

there have been a few others but they are escaping me right now because i've spent the past two nights shuffling in and out of bed to train our new puppy to go to the bathroom outside instead of in her crate or on the floors. she misses her litter and cries sometimes, but old sagey is helping out by sleeping near her, although he's reluctant to join in on her bountiful energy, despite her best efforts at encouraging him with quick leaping kisses towards his face or crouching down and grunting for his attention. a puppy is a lot of work. a puppy and a 12-year-old dog who still thinks he's a puppy is more work. when you're pregnant, it's too much work, haha. she's a love though and i really hope she'll grow to be a positive part of your life.

i spent friday night with a dear friend with whom i used to live in the north end and with whom i had many fun times while in my twenties. she's now a mom to an almost one-year-old boy. i met him for the first time and am enamored. meeting a close friend's baby is an amazing treat. he's just starting to grip his toes enough to walk a few steps and it's adorable. then he just plops down from effort and digs his head into our legs, resurfaces and goes at it again.

after her husband put him down for the night we ventured to a familiar restaurant for dinner. nebo. i was craving their small arancini drizzled with honey. we also ate an arugula salad with shaved parm cheese and a lemon vinaigrette. the arugula was so bright and sharp with flavor that i began missing the neighborhood since such fresh greens were a nightly treat for me when i lived there. i'd buy them from a produce stand on my walk home from work. great flavorful memories. she had the pizza version of the mushroom pasta i devoured. then we glided spoons through coconut and chocolate gelati. our conversation lasted five hours! we had so much to cover with her being a new mum and my being pregnant and brimming with questions. we both were excited to be in yet another phase of life together. we don't often see each other anymore (a change from our daily appearances years ago), so it's such a relief to just pick up right where we are and move forward. that's a good friend, my luv.

she beamed when i said that you've grown from the size of a lime to that of a lemon this week. "oh, you're in the fruit stage! how fun! i remember one week when they said that 'your baby is the size of a rubber duck.' that just disturbed me for some reason" i laughed and joked that the writer ran out of food-appropriate comparisons for that week. after we moved our convo to seats at the bar, and i had finished another glass of sparkling water, and felt fatigued from the long evening, we walked me to a taxi and i phoned your dad who was driving to mattapoisett having left work a little bit early. he seemed surprised that i was still out and had been able to carry on a convo for that many hours.

well, it was a relief to finally be able to discuss what i'm going through with a friend who has not only been there but who knows me well enough to know how i'm feeling. it's been strange keeping my pregnancy silenced during the work days. it's like lying, but it's for the best. it's strange though hiding it and having to remind myself not to rub my belly too often and to watch what i say. soon though i won't be able to hide it and the lemon will be out of the bag.

love, mum

(originally written august 8, 2011)

letter to baby - thirteen weeks

2011-11-04T14:19:00.000-07:00

dear lil one,

i'm embarking on the second trimester and am starting to come around. the sickness is still here, but is less frequent. it has been quite toasty here lately and the heat still affects me by making me feel queasy, tired, and sort of cranky. now that i've heard your heartbeat, seen you place your thumb in your mouth, fend off the ultrasound wand with your fists, well, i've started nesting.

i opened a baby registry and have been spending many hours planning what i'd like to comfort and surround you. so much consideration goes into these decisions. colors. quality. longevity. convertibility.

as of now, we are not going to find out your sex before birth. i will ask the doctor to write it in a card that i will seal and save for the scrapbook i plan to compile. i like the idea of basing the theme of your nursery on a neutral yet colorful-still environment. i'm not attracted to the baby-ish gear and instead have been seeking orange, black and white bedding and toys, etc.

i am also hoping that we'll be able to settle in the mattapoisett house where we may have a room just for you. right now, we are living in the cambridge condo and it's one large room. trying to envision the three of us and the two pups in that space is too trying.

while planning the registry, i started imagining you more in our mattapoisett home. even if it means our commute will grow tougher, the benefits of us being closer to family and having a room for you and a yard for you and the dogs -- it all just makes more sense. and, it eases my nesting mind. of course the move could alter my original plan of having you in boston, but as time travels forward and you grow inside of me, earlier decisions are holding less weight, and i'm solely focused on a comfortable home where we all may settle together at night.

i need to be near your papas more. i want to be able to walk to the beach and feel that calm for you instead of the stress i feel while residing in the city. i never thought i'd feel this way! i always imagined raising a lil urban baby. but, mattapoisett and our growing family of friends there provide more of a home for me (us) now. we must wait for our friends/tenants to find a home that they want to settle into as well. it's an exciting time for them as well, seeking a home to buy. i suppose your presence is putting things in motion for many, some unexpected, but all for the better.

we spent this past weekend celebrating the marriage of a dear friend and her now husband. she's the sister of your father's best friend who also is a friend of mine from college. his sister is a lovely woman and the ceremony was touching. a bonfire followed and it was true seaside living with family and friends gathered round a fire, playing guitars, signing, much laughter and talking and some grilled goods to sate post-wedding hunger.

we stopped by the bar afterwards to see how the night was going. we were met with a full house from another wedding of a friend of nils's whose family he's known as far back as his thoughts stretch. we went into working mode immediately to help your auntie andrea with the crowd. no matter how tired we were, we had to stay until closing to make sure the thirst was quickly quenched.

poor nils had to wake soon after he went to sleep so he could meet with few of his friends with carpenter skills to demo half of the bar's front to rebuild fresh walls and install new windows. your pop has this amazing ability to imagine with precise measure how a room could look - it's best potential. i so admire this quality.

as i witnessed yet another instance of an idea of his building to fruition, my admiration for him grew even more. he is also surrounded by friends who help him any chance they may and they are wonderful people who also are excited about your arrival. many hands graced my growing belly this weekend. so much love and loyalty in this crew.

so, lil one, you are about the size of a lime now. a touch over three inches. i went maternity clothes shopping on friday night with our friend liz, and i am feeling so much more comfortable in my new garb while at work today. grow baby grow. my clothes are now ready for you.

enjoy the black cherry, strawberry, banana and vanilla soy milk smoothie i made for us this morning.

love, your mama

p.s. - there is a song by moe. that has a line "she's an east coast mama now, this i knoooow for sure..." nils, no matter where he's standing when this song is on, always makes his way to me to sing this line in my ear and hold me close. yesterday, amid the carpentry madness and bar chatter, he grabbed us and held us close while swaying and singing the line and then some. it was the first time that i was a "mama" in the true notion and it was a moment that i just have to share with you. there's much love between us and we look forward to sharing it with you. xo

letter to baby - twelve weeks

2011-11-03T14:16:00.000-07:00

This week I had two appointments at the hospital. The first appointment was a usual checkup. Your pa couldn't make it since he couldn't get his shift covered. My mum jumped at the opportunity to come with. We heard your heart beating! We heard it for a slight second, then you moved. Once you rested in a certain spot, we heard it for many moments, and my eyes teared. My mum filmed it with her iPhone (she's now an apple product junkie), and I'm so happy she did, because I keep listening to it over and over. There has never been a sound like it to my ears. We sent the file to Grandma Judy and your dad and my brother and sister and dad. Everyone thought that it sounded like a boy -- hilarious, since just last week they all swore you are a girl.

My mum wanted to celebrate with a fancy meal at No. 9 Park, the same restaurant at which my 30th bday surprise family dinner was held. We arrived too early, so naturally we walked a few blocks into downtown and went shopping. I'm growing as you're growing, and am needing more forgiving clothing...nice excuse, huh?

We sat at the bar and noshed on pastry puffs filled with pockets of steam and Gruyere cheese. The bartender treated us to a non-alcoholic blend of elderflower syrup and grapefruit spritzy goodness in Champagne glasses. We toasted to the special moments spent together that day. Filled ourselves with fresh pasta in creamy pesto sauce and nuggets of pan-fried potatoes. I asked for a refill of the fancy non-alchy sip. Just the act of sipping something sparkling from a Champagne glass was wonderfully indulgent.

Yesterday, your dad and I met with a geneticist to go over our family histories. My age is viewed as a slightly at risk age for having a baby. I never fathomed that I would have waited this long...After that meeting we went to see you again on the monitor. You were much bigger than before and much more active. Seemed like you had the hiccups, bouncing up and down. You kept fighting off the wand with your fists and arms. The tech pressed and shook the wand trying to get you in the position she needed to measure your nose and DT. Then, we just had fun watching you, especially when you sucked your thumb. Although it makes your pa jealous when I say so, it was the cutest sight I've ever seen in my life.

Then there was a quick shot of you in 3D. Technology amazes me. You came to life in that shot. Perfect boxer arms warding us off. When we returned home I was charged with making your dad a sandwich and he ordered me a plain cheese pizza, well done. Soon after he left for work, we slept. So very tired after all of the day's activity.

Was so good to hear you and see you this week, my love. I'm so excited.

xo
mum

(originally written july 22, 2011)

letter to baby - ten & eleven weeks

2011-11-03T14:01:00.000-07:00

hi baby,

last week was sort of uneventful so i didn't write. i will say though that you had your first taste of southern cuisine and i'm darn proud of that. since i grew up loving sausage gravy over flaky biscuits, i wanted to give you a taste of southern fare. we were invited to dinner with our friends ben and liz and his sister who was visiting from paris. we enjoyed a slow dinner filled with discussion of cuisine and literature and television series based on great reads. yes, it was the sort of meal i truly enjoy -- much conversation shared between thoughtful bites. i gave you a taste of fried grits, cornbread drizzled with honey, and thin crepes touched with gooey gruyere and sweet caramelized onions. i shared your news with our friend who works at the restaurant and she had a perma-smile from that moment on. she'd guessed someone at the table was expecting since i asked about the cheese...we also tasted a few nibbles of mississippi mud pie, but we delighted more in the sigh-inducing tupelo honey ice cream. i imagine craving a few scoops more often than i'll be proud of.

the next day i drove us to mattapoisett a few hours later than your dad. i needed to catch up with our friend nik. she's had two kids and i recently told her about you, so we had much to catch up on. she's a parent i admire, so i listened intently while she shared her pregnancy and birth stories.

i am surrounded by caring women who have made me feel loved after announcing you. they check up on me often, if not daily, and lend a sense of a circle of support. i think my mum and i are bonding on a whole new level too, which i could have expected if i'd thought about it, but i never thought we could grow any closer than we are, and we have. all because of you!

i called her crying the other night. nothing was wrong -- quite the opposite. i had been researching cloth diapers (yes, again) and while reading about a kit, i started imagining what keeping them laundered would entail, then i imagined what colors i'd get for you. then i imagined your lil bum tucking into them and that's when the emotion hit. i cried for many minutes. i'm sure hormones are mostly to blame, but i also know that simply imagining you and your tiny toes and infant cries and clothing your little body made me so very excited. the sickness is not ruling my days now and i think my energy and in turn excitement are able to surface now.

i've ordered a couple of books for us. i found a body lotion that doesn't make me ill with its aroma, along with a belly butter that i hope will keep my growing belly soft. and, i bought your first gift at the craft fair that nestles into the mattapoisett center each summer. tiny green tie-dyed socks. they are unbelievably small.

and, my biggest news is that i found a puppy for you. yes, i am crazy to be taking on a puppy right now, but i grew up with a dog and i want you to as well. also, our sage is 12 and needs a buddy to give him a "pack leader" purpose to keep his spirits up. it's a little girl. the runt of the litter. she's free because her mama was not supposed to be pregnant so young. i went to see her twice yesterday and needed to make the decision that day. i was nervous. i was smitten. then, i figured she'd keep me active and upbeat during the pregnancy. i've been needing exercise and someone to warm my heart while your dad is away. why not donate as much love and time to an animal and soon a baby, that i may? she is a dusty straw color. has darling blue eyes that will soon turn gold. oh baby, there will be some crazy times ahead filled with care and love, but crazy just the same.

that's the update for now, my lil fig. we shall see you again this week at one or both of the doct appointments i have. and, we may even hear your heartbeat this time! your dad is trying to get out of a shift to come with me, but he may not be able to. in that case, my mum wants to cater to us. i think she's seeking any opportunity to do so.

xoxo, my lil bud.
ma

(originally written july 18, 2011)

letter to baby - nine weeks

2011-10-20T17:23:00.000-07:00

lil bits,

you are now the size of a grape. i wonder if it's a plump blushing grape like the ones i munched on while living in the north end. pitted with tough, grainy seeds that burrow in your teeth for a time, prompting further eating to shake them loose. or, is it a smaller, slender green tart grape like those my mum kept washed in a colander on the kitchen counter for a quick pass by snag and nibble.

either way, you are bigger than you were last week. your heart is now split into four chambers. your limbs are able to bend at the joints. it's even hinted that you may be sucking your thumb. that image makes me smile with mama glee. will you also tug at your ear when you thumb suck like your auntie did when she was little and i'd pretend to fill her thumb with blueberry flavor, and she swears to this day that it actually did.

i have been feeling more out of sorts of late. the veil of nausea has blanketed my senses intensely. spending time in mattapoisett helped. while your dad and our dear friends imbibed the fourth of july weekend away, i snuck away for quiet time with a couch and television. i am ashamed of how much television i've watched over these past weeks. it relaxes me to sleep more easily than the book i'm reading (and wanting to remain awake to read).

mattapoisett time was also spent outside. fresh air and sunshine and breezy outdoor showers did wonders for my sickness. i may have gotten ahead of the feeling though. i went for a swim. lost my breath a bit and your dad made sure i was okay eyeing me as i swam closer to the raft we all swam towards. while others jumped and pushed each other in, i clasped back onto my normal breathing then felt the motion of the raft too much and slid back into the warm water. your dad and i swam towards the jetty and the water was shallow enough that soon we were crawling with just inches of water between our backs and the surface. i hurried to the ramp when the seaweed tickled my legs with its slimy wisps.

i love to swim, kiddo. and, i did daydream about teaching you to while i was on that raft. i wonder if you'll be as difficult to retrieve from watery fun as i was when i was a kid.

mattapoisett time was spent snuggling three-week-old chessie puppies. we are wondering about adopting one to keep sage, our aged chessie, young, and to have a buddy ready for you to grow with. also, i wouldn't mind having a pup to play with while your dad is out of town. and, i've never picked out and raised my own puppy. there was one with white-tipped paws and a thin streak of white down (his/her?) chest. when it pawed and suckled my cheek, i planned to return the next weekend to greet the lot again and see how far they will coax me into taking one in.

mattapoisett time was spent on our boat, tied up to others, watching a glorious sun setting just before fireworks speckled bursts of color upon the inky sky. i reluctantly headed home afterwards, so tired that i followed our friend home and we played a cat and mouse "follow me" game the whole way back to the city to keep us both awake and monitored. when i returned to the city, the welcome could not have been more cold. every route to cambridge was blocked. the city has sported their own fireworks many hours earlier and they still kept streets blocked for the party goers to stumble around without concern of motorists. what should have been a ten minute trip from tunnel to our front door turned into a forty minute maze that tested how well i know each and every route home from boston to cambridge.

mattapoisett time was spent telling our visiting friends that they would be aunties and uncles, while standing in a circle on the beach near our home. it took a few moments for the notion to sink in before the hugs and smiles and questions lept forth. now, we only have a few more friends and workplaces to tell.

cambridge time is spent traveling between work and home with very uneventful days scattered between. i sit in my car during lunch breaks, reading and snoozing. mostly trying to take the edge of the tiredness that is cloaking my mind these days. this morning i craved an onion bagel with cream cheese. i had been up at 3:33 in the morning with terrible abdominal pains from something i'd eaten earlier. pain so intense that it woke me from my sleep forcing me to roll on my side and inch my way out of bed toward to the bathroom. your dad had fallen asleep on the couch and must have stirred by my passing him. he lightly knocked on the door. i could barely speak, but let him know that i was okay. about 20 minutes later, partly relieved, i went to the kitchen for water after eating two very expired antacids and the silhouette of your dad standing guard at the counter, startled me. concerned for our well being, he'd stayed there the whole time. he is a good man.

anyway, while ordering my bagel at dunkin donuts, the cashier asked if i wanted a drink. i planned on getting lemonade as i've been craving it daily now. i said i was all set since i had to buy it at a different counter. you don't need coffee? you don't drink coffee? do you make your own? is it from here? i had to rely on my former coffee habit when answering him as i didn't feel like explaining that although yes, i love coffee, but that i'm pregnant and am not drinking it at this time, it was just quicker to smile and placate his curiosity and say that i brew my own at home. i guess it was strange for someone to just be ordering a bagel and no java. i'm finding peoples' commentary about my drinking habits and stockpile of snacks at my desk sort of intrusive. i know they are just making conversation, but it's difficult enough keeping nourishment going in this state without having to give a dissertation every time i bring in a box of crackers and container of cereal. i'm really realizing how nosey people can be!

i'll end with my admission that i was able to start enjoying my pregnancy over the weekend. even though it kept me from the usual goings on with our friends, for a little while I was able to begin imaging you in our lives. in the neighborhood. in the few moments when the sickness faded, my usual self surfaced and i could latch on to the excitement that others seem to spew as soon as we tell them about you. i haven't had the energy to get excited. but, over the weekend that changed.

we have certain traditions set already and although i am amending my presence during those times, i do not mind. i now relish more the idea of you and sharing our world with you. i know by growing up in mattapoisett, you may take it for granted. perhaps you'll go away and return someday like your dad has. with new appreciation for the timelessness of the village after seeing other parts of the world. i hope though that i may instill an undercurrent of love for the area in you. i arrived later in life, and am impressed each day by the enjoyment in the simplicity of seaside living. i think that you may be more like your dad though as he'll teach you all the things that are ingrained in his salty self. maybe i'll pick some stuff up too along the way. i'm more excited about knowing you'll be like him in many ways. you'll be a salty girl or boy. such a part of why i fell for your dad and still fall for him each day.

love, mama

(originally written july 7, 2011)

letter to baby - eight weeks

2011-10-20T17:14:00.000-07:00

baby,

today we are eight weeks along. i had my first doctor visit on wed and your papas tagged along. it was very early in the morning and he had worked the night before in mattapoisett then drove home to cambridge. he was barely awake having only slept for a few hours. poor guy. we joked that he better get used to the lack of sleep. this is only the beginning.

i met my doctor for the first time. she seems to have a very kind and caring manner about her. despite her knowledge, she's approachable, soft spoken and considerate. she reminds of my mum -- she has a tender california lady way about her. we went through the usual checks. i got six vials of blood drawn by a lab tech who was no nonsense. she flung the vials on the counter after whipping them onto and off of the tube stuck in my right arm. i supposed she was having a bad morning or was tired of her job. then she wished me a good week.

we needed an ultrasound -- doctor's orders because i bled a little in the beginning of your nestling inside. she wanted to make sure everything was in the right place and the appropriate size for how far along i am. while we waited in the waiting room, i looked at all of the other mothers in varying stages of baby growth. some already had siblings restless in their seats, watching finding nemo on the television distracting us all. bulging bellies adorned in flowing summer attire. faces glowing and tired. parenting magazines and pamphlets flipped through. partners talking softly, sometimes sneaking a brush of their lady's baby bump.

we waited quite awhile for the ultrasound. papas's back was bothering him and he was very uncomfortable in the narrow seat. finally we were called to a dark, small room. i scooted upon the table. cold goo was plumped atop my abdomen. the wand spread the goo out evenly as it glided along. then, there you were! the woman referred to you as a gummy bear. i like that. our lil gummy bear. all sweet. i saw your heart beating so rapidly. she pointed to your arm buds. my eyes teared with happiness. there you were, mesmerizing us on that monitor.

i rested my hand upon nils's leg for him to hold it. seemed a good hand holding moment. he didn't respond. later when i remarked on that, he said that he hadn't even noticed -- all of his attention was in awe of you then. all we could do is stare at you above our sights. beating away.

i hugged him when we were alone. "awe, nerds." he smiled when he saw my tears. later on when driving home, i looked at him and said "we made a baby!"

now, today, i woke to a message from the rn. she wants me to come in today for a shot. you see, i have a blood type that lacks a certain protein. if your blood is positive with the protein, then my immune system can build antibodies that will attack your blood. not a good outcome. i'm nervous to get this shot. i don't know enough about it, but know that i'm being told you need it. we need it to be compatible. it's so strange that the body works in these ways. nils tells me not to worry -- to ask all of my questions when i make the visit and to make my decision then.

i don't want to harm you in any way. as a patient we have a blind trust with our care providers though. i like to research wholeheartedly any sort of decision i make. i'm afraid that i didn't research this decision enough. my work internet blocks many sites so i can't see what other mothers have written. i must leave early to meet with the rn and plan to get the shot. here i am, your vessel, and for some reason my body could cause harm. so unfair. so unreal.

(originally written june 24, 2011)

letter to baby - seven weeks

2011-10-17T18:39:00.000-07:00

lil bits,

"This family needs a baby." Your Gran/My mum keeps repeating this phrase each time I see her or chat with her on the phone. Warms my heart.

I'm seven weeks along now and you are five weeks into your development. I can't stop thinking about you. I had a long conversation with a registered nurse, a call that was scheduled for a week before my first doctor's appointment. We discussed the foods I may eat, those I should avoid, and she said I could drink some safe herbal teas. I went shopping that night, filled our fridge with healthy snacks and bought calming and fruity tisanes. We also discussed prenatal screening tests and that made me nervous. I want to help you develop to your fullest lil self and I truly hope I'm doing the best I may for you.

I wonder how you look right now, whether it's you who wakes me at midnight each evening out of a deep but dream-filled slumber. I was craving burgers just last week and now I can't stomach meat. Today we'll have peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, a nectarine, cheese sticks, cheese crackers...We've already eaten wheat cereal this morning. I never used to have the stomach for early morning breakfast. Now, I must eat as soon as I arrive at my desk. You are often sending hunger my way. It's instant and intense. Immediately after I eat, I'm exhausted. Then, just two hours later, nausea hits then extreme hunger pangs. My lunch bag brims with snacks whereas before I used to be able to swing it while walking without care of anything falling out. Your papas teases that I'm "gigantic." He says it with his smile coaxing a reaction from me so he may tickle us and have me laughing until I lose my breath. I encouraged him to talk to you yesterday before he left for work. He was shy and said, "no, not yeeeet." Then, he smiled and stared down at my belly and warned for you to watch out in there, I'm a crazy landlord.

I want to write to you each Friday, luv. Each Friday marks the end of one week and the start of another for us. I know not if you'll ever be interested in reading these notes. I'm writing for both of us. It's a way for me to remember each of these important weeks. Document this amazing and terrifying turn of life. And, if you're ever curious about the you before you are you, then it'll be here for you to view.

I've taken to talking to you already. My mum says the sound of my voice is comforting for you to hear. I imagine it's a rumble. I wonder if you can hear the sounds outside. The music I listen to while cooking. Your family's' voices. I also have decided to begin reading to you. I want to collect books I never read as a child but that seem important reads to others. The long books filled with adventure and curiosity. An opportunity for us both to discover those fanciful worlds.

Love you bits.

letter to baby - six weeks

2011-10-12T17:56:00.000-07:00

good morning our lil one,

well, the seal has been broken. the news is out. many more of our loved ones now know of your existence. what a weekend it was!

we attended the wedding of friends of ours. your papas was in the wedding party. he was decked out in a tuxedo, bright blue vest and bow tie, and white suspenders. his unruly hair was not tamed by a trim that morning because he woke late and hurried his way to mattapoisett to meet up with the rest of the wedding party while i sorted out myself and our condo before my own road trip. we agreed not to mention you to anyone that day. the day was for the bride and groom only. i spent most of the day filling up my camera's memory card with photos of our friends and the wedding party. it was fun. then, you and i scarfed a slice of cake --- something i probably would have skipped if it weren't for you and the sweet tooth you'll most likely inherit from nils. after the wedding, i drove a few of us back to the bar. all were in fantastic spirits. i left early though. i was very queasy and tired.

i was greeted at our house by our friends'/tenants' dog. she was at my feet all night, climbing on my lap while i watched a bit of tv before the sleepiness won out and i retired to the guest room. she waited at the foot of the bed until i tucked beneath the blankets, then jumped up beside me and slept close to my legs. when nils and our friends returned home, he climbed into bed and they called the pup to their room. sometime in the middle of the night, she nudged the door open and climbed beside me again. dogs just know when there's a lil one afoot, and they stay by our sides. it's adorable and endearing.

the next day, nils got to work painting the boat. many friends helped and most likely wondered why i wasn't since i normally do. i arranged for my parents to visit and tried to gather them together with grandma judy in the guise of a luncheon. no such luck. she was painting her deck and house with your uncle and cousin. somehow i'd have to talk my folks into taking a short car ride to her house. we wanted to tell them about you together before we'd have to tell our friends who were starting to wonder why i wasn't drinking anymore...

i was nervous, sitting on the porch, waiting for the precise moment to share the news. i felt as if i were about to take a very important exam. nils nudged me to begin a couple of times, but the pause would only encourage our parents to talk about something else. finally, we found an interlude and i blurted with voice and arms and teary eyes that the reason we gathered them together was to share that we're having a bab!

both of your grandmothers burst into smiles, congratulations, finally!, hugs all around. grandpa tom sat there sort of stunned but smiled and hugged us. i retold the story of my own discovery of you. a story that i'd repeat often to others throughout the remainder of the day. pa bill in pain from throbbing teeth and head remained reclined on the couch, smiling and promising to hug me later. many friends cried. so many hugs shared. my sister screamed and made me promise to send her weekly photos of my belly, even when i'm not yet showing. follow up phone calls and texts until 1:00 AM, when finally i'd have to tell your auntie that i needed to sleep. my mom left a message saying that she wanted to talk to me -- she'd never talked to me on the phone when i was expecting...a couple of friends are jealous of your because we are your parents, haha. "that kid is going to be so spoiled."

and, i expect that you are -- with much love (and yes, a slew of presents). so many people have been waiting for you. my mom said that she can't wait to see me hold you for the first time, and each time we catch each other saying "mother" or "mama" we give the moment its due pause of realization. she's such a special lady and she's going to love you so very much. she isn't allowing us to call her granny or grandma -- she wants to find something that sounds just to her liking.

i have a few more people to tell. it's a relief to have told those we have so far. no more pathetic excuses for my dodgy behavior of late. now, i can settle back and ease into this growing way of being for two.

(originally written on june 6, 2011)

letter to baby - five weeks

2011-10-03T16:27:00.000-07:00

baby,

i'm five weeks along now. apparently, you resemble a tadpole. your papas scrunched his face when i mentioned that to him. i think he'd prefer imagining your looking like a full-fledged baby already. he's kind of fickle like that. ;)

i really enjoy reading about what should be occurring with you during these weeks. i keep rereading a certain web site's weekly breakdown. the descriptions put my mind at ease while also making it real. the overbearing fatigue and strange dreams i'm encountering are real, no doubt, but i want to be aware of your goings on. it's exciting reading about your developing self. our lil tadpole. will you scrunch your face too at that mention?

i also let it slip to a family friend last night that i'm pregnant. i was at a vip event for a photography festival; invited by someone who has known your dad since he himself was a bump. i ordered a ginger ale, and this friend briskly wondered aloud if i'm pregnant. i was not prepared for this question since i often don't drink alcohol during the week. i didn't respond at first and that only coaxed him to question further. i said "maybe." then he joked that it's not something that can be half -- it's all or nothing.

know this about me, i can carry a poker face when prepared, but not so much when i'm surprised. my face gave it away. probably the smile. you see, i'm happy and it's so difficult to keep this news under wraps. i never was one to imagine my wedding day when i was a little girl; however, i always imagined what my baby would look like, while cradling my very life-like doll. i've wanted you forever. now you're here and i'm excited to share, but want to wait until after my first doctor's appointment to do so.

i texted your dad that his friend knew.

"tell him to keep his mouth shut or our families are going to be pissed."

"i did. sorry."

"work on your lying. christ. you'd buckle under questioning"

"i know, it's terrible. i'm just so happy...then he told me about the first time he saw you..."

as the story goes, when gran judy gave birth to your papas, pa bill was out to sea and the brothers were with their dad in michigan. as this friend was very close with nils's brothers, he and his friend were riding bikes and declared that they should go "see the baby." they rode to the house and knocked on the door. these precocious ten year olds asked gran judy to see the baby and she obliged. therefore, he met your papas before his own brothers did. so, in his mind, it's only fitting that he should know the news before others..."i'm so excited. you two are going to be great parents."

now, i have to work on shielding our news from the curious seekers, of which there are many. they've all been waiting for you too. it's sort of growing to be an invasive question this "are you pregnant?!" when you're not, you simply laugh/shrug/joke/sigh it off. but, when you ARE, and you are trying your hardest NOT to let people know, it's very annoying to have everyone around you wonder to your face whether you are when you order ginger ale instead of wine. i never imagined i'd feel this way.

we have a wedding to attend tomorrow and there are close friends there and one friend in particular who asks me every time she sees me. your dad's friend gave me a good plan though that his wife and he practiced when she was pregnant. hopefully it'll work.

all i need to do is play it off for a few more weeks. i picked a doctor who got wonderful reviews and she'll see me on june 22. i hope we get to hear your heart beating. that's when it'll reach a whole new level of real for me.

by then, you'll have sprouted to the size of a bean.

(originally written on june 3, 2011)

rite of passage

2011-09-29T15:36:00.000-07:00

I never put much thought into what effort is consumed when arranging the baby registry. I wasn't warned. I think it's something mums-to-be must suffer through on their own. Yes, you may be surrounded by mums in the know, but this is one of many rites of passage we must endure on our own during these baby planning stages. Good friends will offer advice when you reach the hair pulling stage.

Days after finding out I was pregnant, I allowed myself to browse baby goods online with purpose. Sure, I'd looked before. But, now the intent was warranted; I didn't feel that intruder vibe. From that first link forward, I've entered into a maze of options and must-haves; reviews and awards; safety concerns and cuteness value. Endless.

Months have passed. I now may rattle off brand names of strollers, wraps, carriers, diapers, clothing, baby sub-sites of my favorite house ware sellers, etc. with the expert air of a new student fresh from the books. These items were always there but they lingered between lines blind to my eyes searching for items purely selfish.

I've been smitten with this then switched to this a week later. Then this was replaced quickly by that. Registries are set up on Land of Nod, Amazon, Restoration Hardware. Other randoms are pulled from diapers.com and Pottery Barn Kids. All are fed into myregistry.com, for ease of categories and one-stop viewing.

Now, I thought I had all options and decisions tidied up in a sweet (although lengthy) list. I'd considered a range of clothing for the first year. Gender neutral at that! No small feat. I had the must-haves from friends stuffed in next to my musts and the cloth diapers I'm both excited and nervous about and the pump that fascinates and intimidates me and the dreamy carrier and nursing cover I look forward to sporting and a carrycot (love that word) for a wee baby.

Then, today, that pesky side of my mind that sneaks up when I think I've put something to bed (the same side that used to rise me from bed on the night before an exam to read notes just one more time), spoke up yet again. "Are you sure that's the stroller you need? What if you have another baby? Then what will you do? Maybe you need something...tandem."

I tried to shh the doubt. Nils and I both agreed to see how this first baby situation goes before considering another one. Yet, this voice spoke to that part of me that likes to plan ahead and have as much convertible gear as possible. Why buy this lovely dreamy carriage when I could have the option of this darling with the added bonus of carrying that second tot around...

So, here I am with a shower date pending and I cannot seem to step away from the registry. I must wonder if others have dizzied themselves into an oblivion of doubt and indecisiveness as well. I read today that bouts of dizzy spells are common during the second tri. They didn't say anything about it being a side effect of registry planning though.

you were here

2011-09-24T13:31:00.000-07:00

precious lil bits,

this is my first note to you. even now as i write to you, i feel superstitious in doing so; however, i must continue. i don't want to forget everything that i'm feeling -- have been feeling -- in these initial weeks of your existence. i want you to know what it is that you mean to me, to us, to everyone close to us, well before we have even grasped the meaning of you and months before we'll tell all we know that you're here.

i knew you were here weeks before a test confirmed. i often felt well beyond tired. faint in my yoga practice. i spent an entire weekend cleaning our condo then got light-headed in the shower and spent a few hours relaxing on the couch. i smelled with great accuracy aromas too faint for others to notice. (like cigarettes on your papas when he'd only walked past smokers on his way out of work). i was hungry. oh so hungry for specific foods of comfort. thai food. burgers (i hadn't eaten a burger in months and ate two in a weekend). turkey-chicken meatloaf with a mound of potatoes. all of my "womanly" monthly symptoms were delayed. i took a test. it yielded a "no-" perfectly stating how i felt when i saw that result. baffled. how could i have felt you so strongly only to be wrong? your papas tried to calm my mind by convincing me "i'd been late before." i agreed, but reminded him that we hadn't been "trying" before. yes, we were planning for you.

nils surprised me with a saturday trip to bethel, ny, the site of woodstock as well as the layout for a phish concert that night. i made my coffee thinking we'd be on our way to mattapoisett (from cambridge) for memorial day weekend. but, he surprised me with a date trip. something we've really needed of late. you see, we've been apart a lot lately, trying to lead two lives -- one in cambridge and the other in mattapoisett where the bar is. this is hard work and it's a trying time. so, he took us away for a day to a spot he'd wanted to see his whole life. that his favorite band was playing there, well, that sealed his decision. the entire 200+ mile drive, he did not tell me where we were headed. about 40 miles from the venue i spied a "welcome, phish fans" sign. "phish!"

now, the coffee i made, i'd only sipped a few times and then it sat in the car cooling until i dumped it out. i could not stomach coffee -- me! the woman who wakes with it first thing in mind. i cherish coffee so much i save the first sip until i get to my desk, forgoing any sips while en route. that was another sign. also, all of that saturday while we spent many moments staring at the woodstock field, took pictures of each other, watched phish and its crowd from atop a lil cliff, the word "pregnant" repeated over and over in my mind. as if its failing to do so would cause me to forget...we hadn't been drinking for about six weeks -- our detox time of the year, taken to focus on projects, get healthy and save money -- and, yet, i couldn't attribute the different look in my eyes or the glow on my face to healthy living. so, kiddo, you've already been to a phish concert and the woodstock site. i'm sure your papas will want to take you there again sometime...

i'd taken another pregnancy test with me to take on the day that should have been the last day of my period. that day after woodstock. i woke early despite arriving in mattapoisett at 4:30 am after our long drive from bethel. i planned to take the test to ease my mind enough to relax and serenade my period. ha! while your papas slept, i went into the bathroom at pa bill's house and took the test. while the stick calculated our fate, i started to brush my teeth. moments later, i brushed my way over to glance at it. "Yes+"

My heart sunk into a well of surprise, excitement, happiness and self-awareness. I had been right! I picked up the stick, looked at it again. Immediately, my eyes began to well with tears. You were here.

No matter how many times I'd imagined that moment, it was so much more then I could have imagined. I think that's how it goes.I had bought a gift for your dad many years ago and I had planned to present it to him when this moment happened. Of course the gift was in Cambridge. I couldn't wait. I also hadn't told him I was taking the test. I scurried into the bedroom across the short hallway. Straddled his sleeping legs. He woke with fuzzy, contact-less eyes. "What?" he said with worry when he saw my face, holding back a burst of emotion. I faced him with the test, wordlessly. "I can't see -- what is it?" I shook the test as if trying to rattle his sight into clarity. He sat up. "Are you my babymama?" That's when I shook with tears of happiness and nervousness. He gathered me in his grasp and carried me over his legs and blankets down to where he was resting. Held me with tight and shaky arms. When he is very emotional, his hands shake and his face gets really soft with kindness. "It's okay, baby." He laughingly consoled.

We spent a few minutes hugging each other, hazed by this "Yes+." Talked about how I had felt it to be true before this result. Said that this was a good time to have you since we didn't want to be too old. Calculate how old we'd be when you were in college. (52) "Now what?" He asked. I supposed that I needed to call my doctor as soon as the regular week resumed.

We had a busy night at the bar that night. I took photos -- one of my favorite things to do -- of the DJ for his Web site, and of the crowd. Each time the room grew too hot for me, I rushed the door. I guess my body is regulating everything for you now and my instincts are kicking in. I was also queasy. Friends wondered I was not drinking yet. When you own a bar and are not drinking, people grow suspicious. My girlfriends' eyes searched my face for an explanation. I just said that I was still detoxing. Then Nils had a beer and others couldn't help but ask why I wasn't drinking. I tossed it up to a stomach ache. I tried to drink a cappuccino the next afternoon. I brewed it at the bar while helping your dad get ready for his sunday shift. Again, two sips in and that was it. My stomach grumbled in discomfort. And, I wasn't disappointed. I'd always swore that I'd keep to the acceptable eight ounces of coffee per day. That I'd need it. And, it didn't want or miss it. It's little things like this that I'm learning now.

I'm now a vessel for you. My instincts are geared up. I am solely concerned with your growth and health. Right now, symptoms of queasiness and pain let me know you are there. If the pain subsides, I get nervous. I also sleep a lot. After work yesterday, I slept for three hours. Woke to a hungry stomach. Ate a bowl of rice then rested again. I keep waking up early too. And, unlike when I needed coffee, I am awake -- groggy still -- but very awake.

This is your beginning, lil bits. You are a lil bit of me and a lil bit of your papas, and I have never been so excited about something in my life as I am to meet you. Right now, all I can think about is helping you grow. Keeping you safe and healthy. Doing my best to give you the best beginning before your birth. There's only me for you right now.

I'm still dazed by the new state of being. It's only been a few days. It's growing on me though, this mama-ness. Things are coming into focus. My priorities are shifting. It's all happening so fast. And, nothing else has ever fallen into place with such ease or certainty. (originally written on june 1, 2011)